I am also determined to get a job. Soon. I think I may go apply at Seagull Book and Tape, Deseret Book, Michael's, Robert's Craft, or... um... something along those lines. I'd really like to work at Soho in the University Mall so that I may be provided with discounts and enjoy all the pretty sparklies, but I don't see that one happening as I was told that they need someone who can work any day of the week at any time and that is certainly not something that I can provide them with at this time. But we shall see. I could really use some extra cash right about now, though. A steady income is a good thing to have and getting paid once a month just almost isn't cutting it.
I thank my dear friend for telling me the following. She is a wise person.
"Dreaming is good," she says. "Even the illogical and impossible dreams." (Reminds me of that song by Ryan Shupe and the Rubberband entitled "Dream Big.") "Sometimes chasing a dream is like following a very small ant for miles and miles. You become so obsessed with following the ant that you don't notice the millions of more wonderful creatures and surrondings around you. If we could give up following that creature the possibilites and energy that would be available to us would astound us. Dreaming in itself is good, but sometimes we have to let go of the dream to find the place that the dream is leading us."
"Hmm," I think to myself. "I'm not so sure about the ant part (I tend to squish ants), but maybe a butterfly. Yes. I like the idea of my dreams being butterflies. But I am far too intent on some of these butterflies that I can't see what I'm missing. Maybe while I chase my butterfly I'll miss the kitten playing by my feet. I'd hate to miss that. "
"So, self," I say, "now is the time to stash your dreams away back in the filing cabinet and consentrate on the big picture and enjoying the journey."
"Right," Self says. "How do I do that?"
"I don't know," I respond. And then I sigh. "I suppose it involves avoiding Dingbat and That Boy, except when necessary, of course. And.."
"And?" Self questions.
"...And being patient."
"Seems as if every conclusion results in being patient," Self remarks with quiet resignation. I think she is right, but I don't say anything else because there is nothing else to say. Self sighs again and creeps quietly back into her little corner in the back of my mind, not wishing to be disturbed anymore. I am left saddened because I don't want to lose Dingbat or That Boy. I don't want to lose that friendship which I hold so dear.
1. To cause slight irritation to (another) by troublesome, often repeated acts.
2. To harass or disturb by repeated attacks.
So I decided, now that I feel more articulate, to post again. I also decided this: That Boy is seriously only around to punish me so I don't have to. Not to mention that I think the world is out to get me today. But it's all good, I'm still alive.
As I said in my previous post, it was snowing today. Quite a bit for a while, too. This morning I went to look at the Promenade townhomes. My windshield wipers were working well, there wasn't any ice on the road yet, and the manager (whom I had met last Saturday) happens to be incredibly attractive and nice. Except he's married and therefore off limits. Not that I'm ever going to see him again, anyway. Life was good this morning.
Then afternoon came. Oksana woke me up from my nap. It was still snowing. Thinking of how nice it is to have a working sink again, though, helped to balance things out a little. Not much, but just enough to keep me smiling, even if I had left my glasses on my nightstand. Nicole came to pick me up after piano. The ice was no longer melting in the driving range (I'm talking about the road here, not a golf course). We almost got stuck on a hill. Nicole hasn't got the greatest driving skills anyway, so it was a little... nerve racking. We made it home safely, though, and I was able to warm up before it came time to take Nicole back to class. I planned on going straight to the testing center after dropping her off. Instead I had a miniature crisis. My wiper blade on the driver's side decided it didn't want to wipe the snow away anymore. It made the motions, but nothing happened. So I came home, called my dad, called That Boy and left him a message saying "Help!!!" and headed back to campus. Luckily by the time I got out of my test the snow had stopped. I just dread having to drive in snow or rain until I get that wiper blade replaced and That Boy is ignoring me. I think he hates me. Or His Girl does and he's honoring her wishes while disgarding his friends in need. Seriously though, I'm pretty ticked. It takes a lot to get me steaming like this and, boy, have I been steaming! Gah.
Tomorrow is basically going to be the longest day on earth. I have Leading Edge at 7:30 pm and I have to go because I didn't go yesterday (due to my hatred of pink and twitterpated lovers that would inevitably be hanging around Crandall House West). I've also got to go to campus extra early so that I can get somthing photo coppied for Student Development. Shoot me now. Please?
Nicole has to speak in church on Sunday on how covenants bless our lives. I am so desperately hoping to be able to go home this weekend (but not because she's speaking) and so I'm hoping that M2 is unable to make it down with M1 (Nicole's date Saturday night); I'm not interested in dating right now. At all. Even one date. No, thank you.
I've also decided (two nights ago, really) that I need to build up my wall against Dingbat. I've said everything that needs to be said (plus); being hurt again is inevitable. I don't want to hurt anymore. I don't want to love anymore. I'm not going to talk to him anymore unless he is the one to initiate the conversation, I think. That's my goal, anyway. I feel like I'm having deja vu or something. Except I don't remember whom it was that I last had these sorts of thoughts about.
Maybe if I keep telling myself that I don't believe in love anymore, I really will stop believing. Maybe.
But, like I said, my sink works again. At long last. After... like... four days of it leaking.