Wednesday, December 07, 2005
I swear
. I waste so much time posting blogs and whatnot on the net. But I don't care!
I have absolutely no motivation whatsoever to move from this spot. I've been sitting here for the past... 3 hours and sleeping for the past 2 hours. If today wasn't the last day of MWF classes, I'd still be sleeping.
I feel like giving up. On everything. Life is so superficial. It's full of pointless things that don't really matter in the long run. Like eating. Everyone has to do it so that their body can go on functioning, I know that. But it's sort of... pointless. I know. I'm not making sense. I don't very often.
Basically though, I don't like to eat. I'm not anorexic, that's not the problem (although, that has been a common accusation against me), I just find food to be disgusting and annoying and altogether pointless. The last meal I ate was... Saturday. I think. Yes. Saturday. The last time I ate 2+ meals in one day? I have no idea. It's been a while. Prolly last time I was at home so..... that would have been the saturday after Thanksgiving.
Ho-hum. I don't think that my roommates quite understand me. Nicole is jealous because I am "so thin." I've been "so thin" all my life. I've always been under weight. It doesn't seem to matter what I do I can't gain weight. Eating, exercising, and so forth provides no assistance to the matter. I guess that's one reason why I don't like eating. It doesn't seem to help me.
And then there's Oksana. Nice girl, for the most part. We just have conflicting personalities. And now she's telling me I have no right to be depressed (but she does) because I haven't lost any friends recently. SURPRISE! I have. You don't see me complaining about it 24/7. I resigned myself to the fact around day 3 of not being spoken to. You know, it wouldn't have been so bad for me if they weren't three of my closest friends and one of them my very best friend that I have ever had. I've forgiven them. I just wish they would forgive me. And I regret the fact that the whole ordeal ever had to happen.
I wish I didn't need people so much. I don't think my life has made any drastic changes in anyone else's life. Not really. My sister would prolly be better off if she WAS an only child. My parents would never know what it was like to have me around if I hadn't have been born, so there would be no way that they could miss me.
You know the movie "It's a Wonderful Life" with James Stewart in it? He was an amazing person in that movie. His character was. You know? He had a family all his own, he sacrificed himself for the whole town basically... His life really did have a great effect on people. Me, I'm not married. I don't have my own family. I haven't done any great deeds of service...
Bah. Expect lots of complaining to come forth from my keyboard. I need to get my frustrations out somewhere. I'd prolly keep going now, but I need to head back up to campus for my last class of the day.
Life goes on, even when we don't want it to.
