For those of you who watched today's devotional in a location other than the Marriott Center, President Hinckley plucked at his pumpkin-patterned tie, and that is why we were all laughing. If you missed it, it will be rebroadcast on BYU-TV/KBYU (if you live in Utah) sometime, but I don't know when. Check the above link for more details.
Today in Creative Writing I was told that I have a heart of stone. I think it was meant as a compliment.... In context, we were discussing that new movie that's out. The one that starts with a "P"? P... P.... Yeah, don't remember any more, but werf was telling me that I should go see it because it's amazing and it probably wouldn't bother me any if I can make it through Rocky Point and laugh about it. Which I can, and did.
I threw my back out lugging those darned pumpkins around last Thursday. Now it's all knotty and sore and wakes me up at night. Of course, it doesn't help that the mattresses we have in this apartment are junky crud, lumpy, and caving in even if you flip them. I think management should buy us new ones. I deserve a new one! I do, I do!
So, tomorrow is Halloween. Am I doing anything? Ha! Are you kidding? No. I'll probably sit here at home, work on grading, homework that is due later this week, watch Roswell...
I managed to make it down to Santa Horhe in approximately 4 hours with little to no incidents worth noting. Except I did see a deer eating weeds on the side of the road. And dead creatures, but I always see dead creatures.
The baby was confused to see me but pretended he wasn't. I tortured him. I loved him. I brushed him. Now he is sleeping in the garage. Until morning, when I will love him and torture him again.
Mom is taking my sister and I to the "What Women Want Expo" being held in the Dixie Center tomorrow morning. That should be... fun? I guess? Anyway, maybe some cool things will come of it. Maybe not.
Also tomorrow we are going to see Flicka as a family. I think. Last I heard, anyway. And Dad says we can go get icecream! Yea!
K and I rearranged the living room furniture this afternoon before I left town. We both wanted a change and, with Ice Queen moving, it was the perfect opportunity. Hopefully someone will put the leg back on the couch before I get back (both of our couches are broken, one worse than the other. You'd think management would give us new couches, but no. I wish Amanda was still manager.) I told Ice Queen to take one of the pumpkins I made while teaching class this week as a going away present. Those things are HUGE! I actually threw out my back carrying the bigger of the two from yesterday up the stairs. It's very painful, but doesn't hurt nearly as bad as last night when it woke me up.
I saw That Boy today when I was leaving the mall from picking up Dad's suits. I attempted a smile and waved. His wave was rather more enthusiastic than mine, but that's too be expected I guess. I haven't seen nor talked to him since March. I miss him, though, you know? But I don't think I'll be hearing from him or seeing him again.
I have just made the conscious decision to sleep instead of going to my one and only class today. I'm already failing, so what does it matter? Besides, if I do go, I'll prolly fall asleep in class anyway, and that sort of defeats the purpose of going, doesn't it?
Not to mention that last night was a night from Hell and the sleep I got was not very refreshing.
My day is over. I'd talk about it, but then I'd have another nervous breakdown and I don't need to go through that again. Needless to say, the testing center and I were not friends today. Or anything like unto it.
Tomorrow I just have work. It shouldn't be too bad. I ended up teaching the second lab on Tuesday, so now that I've done it once it should be no big to do it a second or even a third time. But we've run out of quite a few varieties of flowers, so the wholesaler is coming in the morning which means I need to be there at eight which means I will most likely go over 2o hours this week. Hopefully not, but I worked eight and a half yesterday, 3 today, and I will be working at least the same amount of time as I did on Tuesday tomorrow. If you can make sense of that. And even if you can't, that's still how long I'm working. So assuming I worked exactly 8:30 Tuesday, the same tomorrow, and 3 today, I'll end up with exactly 20 hours and one freaking awesome paycheck Friday morning. It should be a pretty good one anyone, but, you know.
Speaking of Friday, I'm heading home after classes. It will probably be late when I get there, and hopefully the roads won't be too bad. I'm most concerned about weather in Beaver, but I don't think it will be that bad at all. (See that snow today? I thought it was disgusting. And I was out in it later, walking out to my car after the longest day of my life on campus.) I plan to sleep the morning and part of the afternoon away Saturday before going to see Flicka with the fam and, after that, getting Frozen Custard from THE BEST CUSTARD SHOP EVER! Triple chocolate in a cone, please! (Not even joking. I can down one of those in the time it takes most people to finish off a single scoop. It's sad, really.) And, of course, I'll be snuggling the beloved baby until he chews my arm off. I miss the baby.
I already wish this week to be over and it's only Monday. I think this is a bad sign. I mean, sure, tomorrow I just have to go to work and don't really have to worry about class, but Wednesday morning I have to take a test in a subject that I'm not exactly competent at. With. Whatever. Not to mention I have a paper due Wednesday. Sure, only one page, but it's about my hometown. What do I have to say about my hometown? Yeah, not much. Santa Horhe is hot as down under in the summer, cold as the same in the winter. Yeah, I've got memories of the place, but they're sparse and not very... detailed. Gah. I think if my brain were working better it would be easier. But it's not and, it's not. And that's life. Thursday, though, Thursday will be just as stressful as Wednesday because I have to teach two labs and can't really rely on my other TA's to be there the whole time to help me out. Then I'm supposed to be able to carry BOTH pumpkins to my car? I don't think so! I suppose I'll just have to pull my car 'round back first and go through the Head house. Blah.
The weekend can't come fast enough. I just want to go home and sleep and snuggle my kitty. And sleep. And eat my mother's food. And did I mention sleep?
I'm sick of feeling this way. I'm sick of not knowing what it's like to not worry or be depressed. I envy those who can at least remember, because I don't even have that memory. And it's hard living here, where I live. I have so many memories of people I cared about and now I never see or hear from any of them. It's my fault, I'm sure. It's always my fault. And that's why no man will ever marry me.
Sorry. I'm just so tired and ill and not wanting morning to come. I'll be better someday.
I seem to have aquired a chest cold this weekend. I suppose it's about time, though. Usually I'm sick at least once a month, but I haven't been since... May? June? Dunno for sure, but it's been quite a while. It's bad enough that I took a sleep aid tonight (because I took a two hour nap earlier), tylenol, and Sudaphed. The combination of the sleep aid and the sudaphed is making me feel a little less alert, therefore typing is coming as a challenge to me as is thinking. This is a bad thing, because I have an essay to finish before tomorrow at noon (when I need to be on campus), a chapter in Mere Christianity to read and critique, and um... Oh, yeah. I have a test that needs to be studied for tomorrow. So I need to feel better. I don't mind getting sick sometimes, but it's just too much for me to handle right now.
I'm dealing with: Family Finance stress (I don't get it!) Family Finance test (see above paragraph) Essay stress Reading stress Usually stress Stress of knowing I'll be teaching two labs on Thursday Stress of needing to pick up my dad's new suits on Friday before I head home...
Basically I just need to stop worrying about things that I don't have to deal with for a few days. But that's why I'm going to the CCC now. And I think I may sign up for the stress labs. It sounds beneficial and maybe fun.
And now I will die with body pains, a headache, and the need to cough.
Today is Sweetest Day. No kidding! In honor of said occasion, I ate a piece of cake. Actually, not really because of the day, but I did just eat a piece of cake. In fact, I just finished off a cake. It was good. I guess you could call me a cake eater (although, were you to look up the definition, I sure am NOT). What made the day so sweet for me was BYU kicking UNLV's tush in today's game. And I got to watch it LIVE ACTION with my dad, sitting just a few rows behind the infamous Cougar Marching Band. Cool beans!
Things I've learned this week: I'm a control freak. (If I'm not in control, I freak!) I don't have an eating disorder I need help Family Finance isn't as easy as I thought it was going to be I get to teach two labs on Thursday
The Rules: Take 20 fairly standard and innocuous questions and answer them with music lyrics. (Bet you can't guess my favorite artist!)
1. Are you male or female?
Use to think that I would be so sad. If you ever walked away. Use to think I needed you so bad. Did I say that I'd never leave you behind? Well, just keep treating me unkind 'cause fool I'm a woman and I'm bound to change my mind.
With a woman it's imperative you show her that you love her. If you don't it's her prerogative to change like the weather. I'm seeing the signs. You know I use to think love was blind. Well, fool I'm a woman and I'm bound to change my mind.
Fool, I'm a Woman- Sarah Evans 2. Who are you?
what will be left when I've drawn my last breath, besides the folks i've met and the folks who know me, will i discover a soul cleansing love, or just the dirt above and below me, i'm a doubting thomas, i took a promise, but i don't know what's safe, oh me of little faith, sometimes i pray for a slap in the face, then i beg to be spared 'cause i'm a coward, if there's a master of death i'll bet he's holding his breath, as i show the blind and tell the deaf about his power, i'm a doubting thomas, i can't keep my promises, 'cause i don't know what's safe, oh me of little faith
Doubting Thomas- Nickel Creek
3. Describe your neighborhood.
I linger in the doorway Of alarm clock screaming Monsters calling my name Let me stay Where the wind will whisper to me Where the raindrops As they’re falling tell a story
In my field of paper flowers And candy clouds of lullaby I lie inside myself for hours And watch my purple sky fly over me
4. How do you look?
You don't run with the crowd You go your own way You don't play after dark You light up my day Got your own kind of style That sets you apart
What Makes You Different Makes You Beautiful- Backstreet Boys (how embarrassing)
5. What is love?
Your memory's the sunshine every new day brings I know the sky is calling Angel, let me help you with your wings
When you're soarin' through the air I'll be your solid ground Take every chance you dare I'll still be there When you come back down
When You Come Back Down- Nickel Creek
6. If you could say one thing to the person you love, what would it be?
I didn't hear you say you're sorry. The fault must be mine. I wish you all the best of luck at finding somebody more like you.
You said you'd love me always truely. I must have changed. Because you don't need me like you used to. I hope you find somebody more like you.
I hope you finally find someone, someone that you trust and give him everything. I hope you meet someone your hight so you can see eye to eye with someone as small as you.
You came out of nowhere and made me smile. Then tore me in two. Sayin we're very different people so dear, I hope you find somebody more like you. I hope you find somebody more like you.
Somebody More Like You- Nickel Creek
7. What's your secret?
Why don't you call me, I could save you. Together we'll find a god we can pray to that will take you by the hand.
I hate to see a friend of mine, Laughing out loud when she's crying inside, but you've got your pride.
Staring down the stars, jelous of the moon You wish you could fly. But you're staying where you are There's nothing you could do, if you're too scared to try
Jealous of the Moon- Nickel Creek
8. Are you strong?
I'm frightened by what I see but somehow I know that there's much more to come immobilized by my fear and soon to be blinded by tears I can stop the pain if I will it all away
9. Where do you wish you were right now?
I wish you out of the woods And into a picture with me I wish you over the moon Come out of the question and be
Out of the Woods- Nickel Creek
10. What do you think about your friends?
You see the patterns in the big sky Those constellations look like you and I Just like the patterns in the big sky We could be lost we could refuse to try But we made it through in the dark night Would those lucky guys turn out to be But that unusual blend of my funny friend and me
My Funny Friend and Me- Sting
11. Any words of advice?
Well, I've been deep down in that darkness, I been down to my last match. Felt a hundred different demons, Breathin' fire down my back. An' I knew that if I stumbled, I'd fall right into the trap that they were layin', yeah.
But the good news is there's angels, Everywhere out on the street. Holdin' out a hand, To pull you back up on your feet: The one's that you been draggin' so long, You're on your knees; you might as well be prayin'.
Guess what I'm sayin': If you're goin' through hell, Keep on goin'. Don't slow down: If you're scared don't show it. You might get out, 'Fore the devil even knows you're there.
If You're Going Through Hell- Rodney Atkins
12. What do you wish you were doing right now?
Suddenly I know I'm not sleeping Hello, I'm still here All that's left of Yesterday
13. What do you think about drugs?
Her Daddy drank all day and Mommy did drugs Never wanted to play Or give kisses and hugs She'd watch the TV and sit there on the couch While her Mom fell asleep And her Daddy went out
And the drinking and the fighting Just got worse every night Behind their couch she'd be hiding Oh, what a sad little life
The Little Girl- John Michael Montgomery
14. If you could say one thing to your enemy, what would it be?
Lonely, the life and dismal the view. Closed is the road that leads to you. Since better can be, as friends we'll agree, Sabra girl, time will cure me
Sabra Girl- Nickel Creek
15. What do you do on Friday nights?
Remember the good times that we had? I let them slip away from us when things got bad How clearly I first saw you smilin' in the sun Wanna feel your warmth upon me, I wanna be the one
I Will Remember You- Sarah McLachlan
16. What would you do if you won a million dollars?
I love life, life loves me, Let's take another trip to Disneyland, Disneyland.
I Love Life- Melissa Lefton
17. How do you feel right now?
Spend all your time waiting For that second chance For a break that would make it okay Theres always one reason To feel not good enough And its hard at the end of the day I need some distraction Oh beautiful release Memory seeps from my veins Let me be empty And weightless and maybe Ill find some peace tonight
Angel- Sarah McLachlan
18. Are you for world peace?
Can you hear the voice of the children softly pleading for silence in their shattered world? Angry guns preach a gospel full of hate, blood of the innocent on their hands. Crying, “Jesus, help me to feel the sun again upon my face. For when darkness clears I know you're near, bringing peace again.” Dali cuje te sve djecje molitve? Can you hear the prayer of the children?
Prayer of the Children- Kurt Bestor
19. Where were you born?
Down in Utah The guys and I dig a city called Salt Lake It's got the grooviest kids That's why we never get tired of Salt Lake And the way the kids talk so cool Is an out of sight thing And the number one radio station Makes the town really swing yeah Salt Lake City we'll be coming soon
Salt Lake City - Beach Boys
20. Any closing words?
Yeah for every price and every penance that I could think of It’s better to have fallen in love Than never to have fallen at all Cuz when you live in a world Well it gets in to who you thought you’d be And now I laugh at how the world changed me I think life chose me After all
I register for Winter Semester classes in less than one month. This is a good thing. If everything goes according to plan, I will still be able to TA AND work One Stop again. This is also a good thing.
Classes I want to take and hope and pray and pray and hope I'll be able to take: PAS 320, three credits (Arboriculture- minor) PAS 103, three credits (RES Landscape Des- minor) PAS 100, three credits (Living with plants- minor) MFG 202, three credits (History of Creativity 2- GE)
The following is a general analysis of the days of the week, beginning on Monday. The rating system is as follows: 1= awful, 10= I've died and gone to heaven. Feel free to offer input, including opinions that differ from my own.
Monday= The first and often worst day of the week. One's poor back is weighted down with masses of stress and future assignments. Rating: 2 Tuesday= Slightly better than Monday, but One still knows that One has a lot to do. Rating: 3 Wednesday= The "Camel's Hump." It's all downhill from here, but the realization of this often causes stress when One suddenly notices how soon the work week is ending and the pile of work yet to be done. Rating: 5 Thursday= Only two days until the weekend! At this point there had ought to be less to do. Rating: 7 Friday= Last of the work week, everything comes to a close and One can look forward to relaxing in the evening and for the rest of the weekend. Fun times, but occasionally there is still a little to be done before Monday. Rating: 8 Saturday= A day of true relaxation, shopping (for food, generally), and catching up on sleep, friends, and life in general. Rating: 9 Sunday= A day to be spiritually fed and all in all good. Until night comes and you realize the next day is Monday and you have to start all over again. Rating: 8
BYU won the football game last Saturday. It was good times.
I get to sit in the CLFB for the vast majority of the day tomorrow. Oh boy! I am so excited. I shall have nothing to do, nothing to eat, and no one to talk to. Yea me.
Currently I'm looking for Thursday to be here. Thursdays are good days. Thursdays are Surveyors' Lab days. I am on campus on Thursdays during Surveyors' Lab. Surveyors Lab is for Engineering Students. Engineering Students are the best, especially one in particular.
And then it's Friday, which is also a good day, usually. And Saturdays are, too.
According to a piece of junk mail that I just deleted (without even opening it, of course), my name has been changed... to my dad's! I am so not even joking, and I am so not even pleased about this change. I liked my name. I think I'll just stick to it (my name, not my dad's). That way we'll all be able to avoid the confusion.
I've lost my antidepressant. I noticed this last night when I realized I had finally managed to get to bed before midnight and could therefor take it. For the past while, this has not been an easy feat and I've noticed a bit of a slip in my attitude, a slip that cannot be explained away and has nothing to do with anything that people with limited experience with depression explain the problem away with. And so now I am not only overly stressed but badly in want of a good blow-up where I can let everything out that I've been bottling up for the past two months, but I can't fix this feeling until I find the dear pills and I'm rather frustrated by the fact. A person just needs to have a good cry sometimes, ya know? And for some ski-wompas reason I'm unable to accomplish this this week. Seems to me that everything looks a lot worse through the "blue" lenses of life. I'd like my rose-colored ones back now, please!
To go along with this... Remember my wall (I'd link you to the svithe, but that requires a certain amount of searching. I believe it was May 7, 2006 or something like that). I'm struggling with not building it back up. And no one's even done anything to betray my trust, but I feel like I have to add a "yet" to a statement like that and that I'd better be prepared now rather than later for disappointment.
Cleaning checks Saturday. This means I get to go through the fridge/freezer and clean the shelves and what have you all on my lonesome. And I get to wash out the sink, but this means people need to stop putting their dishes in there and need to start using the dishwasher. That's what it's there for, after all! Also, I keep forgetting to press F1 when I clock in, so I have to go talk to the department secretary again tomorrow morning (after she specifically told me that I need to press F1 just two days ago) and explain why I'm such a dingbat space brain. Then I need to go find the dean and have werf sign my key card so I can get into the CLFB without issues. And then I need to go down to the .. umm.. Brewster building to get my closet key replaced as well as the new key issued. All this must occur before 11 am tomorrow. Well, except for the cleaning check bit, of course. Then I get to work for 5 or six hours straight. No lunch for me. Most probably no breakfast, either, but this isn't particularly unusual a situation.
Friday or Saturday I need to take a trip up to Grandparents'. The Grandmother has been ill and so I'm taking her the gift basket I'll be making for lab tomorrow. I suppose it'll be good to see them again, but I always get so bored when I am there and I really haven't a lot to say to them. In fact, I really haven't a lot to say to anyone. But that's beside the point. I've rather been hoping that J-Dawg would give me a call to give me an excuse to not stay long, but he hasn't and, truth be told, there is nothing inside me that allows me to expect him to do so. I've got a gut instinct that says I've scared him away just like I scare every other individual of the male species away.
And that is all. Now time to read an essay and go to bed.