So I got my paper back. Stupid. I just hope I don't have to take the class over again. If I do then I'll prolly use the same paper, at least most of it. And just, you know, fix what needs to be fixed. Actually, I hope I don't have to take any of my courses over again. Well, TLE isn't bad. And I've chosen to contiue that for credit. Blah.
Anyway, I'm heading home in about 10 hours, I think. Which means I should pack. Also means I should go to sleep, something that I will be doing shortly.
I have decided that I need to find a place to live that will allow me to have pets. I need something snuggly and soft to bury my face into when I'm sad. Like my cat. Except he's not all that snuggly. Likes to bite. Seriously, though, I do want a cat. Dogs are all fine and dandy, but you have to let them out all too often and I wouldn't want to make the poor thing go OUT THERE where it's cold. I'm not that cruel. Cats are generally more tidy, anyway. And I'm all for tidy.
Basically, though, I just need to find a new place to live. I don't like it here. It isn't even so much the people I live with. I can deal with it. Maybe not very well, but I still deal. In any case, though, I just don't like it here. I love my bishopric and I love Alice and being around some of the other people in my ward here, but I don't like it HERE. There's just... something missing. I'm not sure what it is, though. Maybe it is that I really don't see people much. Or at all. It just doesn't happen. Nicole, whether she believes it or not, has a much larger social life than I do and knows about twice as many people in our ward as I do. Sure, I know names of people and can occasionally connect them with faces, but I don't actually know the people.
There is something in my keyboard. It's making clickety noises every once in a while. I wonder what is down there? Prolly crumbs. I eat at my desk far too often than is healthy for my laptop. Hahaha. Not lately, obviously. Though I did eat dinner tonight. Just not a lot of it. There will be plenty of chicken for me to eat when I get back in two weeks. Just chucked it all in the freezer, you know.
I am in pain. And it is a weird sort of pain, one that I don't experience often. I expect it is due to lack of food, standing for hours on end the past three days, and... stress. Stress is a continual event in my life, though, so I'm not real sure I can blame my pain on that. Oof. That's all the more I have to say about that.
I do ramble on a bit, don't I? But I don't apoligize for it, because I figure if you get bored with me than you can leave and I won't even know! That's the beauty of online blogging. You can say everthing and anything on your mind and people can just not pay attention to it if they don't want to. I wish I could do that in real life. Oh, wait. I do. But I know it bugs the crud out of people when I just stop listening. Like my sister. Or Nicole when she's telling me about the weird dream that she had last night and I'm just thinking to myself, "That's nice, now get on with it. What's the point of this story? Or isn't there one? Oh, look! A speck of dust!" and by the time she gets two or three sentences into the dream I've got a glazed look on my face and she ends the story pretty quick, but ends up being annoyed for the next half hour. But, hey, I can't help it if people don't ask me if I care to know something before they tell it to me!
So, there you go. A bit of advice. If you want to make sure I'm going to be listening the whole time you talk to me, ask me if I care first. Chances are if you ask me and I say yes that I will listen. At least for a while. You just have GOT to get straight to the point and not dilly-dally around with unnecessary details because that will totally turn the old ears OFF. And there is not an on switch.
Ahhhhhh............. I can feel my brain going fuzzy and I can tell that my head is trying to nod so I guess I had better go to bed. I'll pack first, though.
So what if I already posted once today? Who freakin' cares, anyway? But I was just thinking how I wish that my roommates were just a tad cleaner. I feel like I'm their mother or something, ALWAYS picking up after them. Mostly just Oksana, Nicole is generally pretty good at cleaning up after herself. But, yeah. Spent about 3 hours cleaning the kitchen tonight with sore feet. So now my feet are really sore and so is my back.
Didn't end up eating. Alice was busy for one and, for another, I just didn't actually feel like it.
I've noticed something about my veins. I can see them. Really well. More so than I used to be capable of seeing them. I wonder why that is?
I recieved a compliment today. In a weird form and the individual who gave it to me doesn't even know. But I was asked how old I am- 20? I was like... no. 19. But close enough because I feel 20. In fact, I've felt 20 for a very long time. Sometimes older than 20. Course, I'm not going to tell said individual when I finally am 20 because I just don't broadcast that day about much any more. Used to when it excited me. Now I just like to keep it quiet. Family can know, fine. But no one else, please. I don't like to be the center of attention and that is the perfect day for me to be c.o.a., if you get my drift. Ahem.
I think that just maybe my orchid might live. I hope it does! I will be so sad if it dies because it had the prettiest flowers I have ever seen. LIVE orchid, LIVE! I should name it. Oh, wait. I already did. Haha.
I'm so tired! Can you tell? I'm sort of just rambling here, I think.
Oh. Tomorowwy is going to be nice. I do have to go up to campus, but that is only to pick up my final paper from one of my professors. It will be good to see her again, anyway. And then I will get to relax for a while and just do nothing. I might watch a movie. Or pack. Or clean some more. Or maybe all of the above. But then I'll have to start dinner prolly around... Ish. I'm going to say 4:30, just to be safe. Maybe 5... I've got to plan it out a little better. It just needs to be done by about 7. And Jackson and I are going to call Kalia while I'm over there and speak words with her. Maybe I will try calling her earlier and see if she will be able to talk tomorrow night. Don't know yet. I generally just get her voice mail.
I HURT! Like buckets of flaming ice do I hurt! My poor back. And my poor feet. I think they are wanting to just fall off. I hope they don't. I need my feet.
Ok. Going to bed now. I'm basically falling asleep as it is.
Finals are... over. Finally. And I basically bombed all of them. No matter how much you hear me say I don't care, I really do.
Had a job interview today. Don't think I got it, but oh well. More will come along.
Actually ate dinner last night because my cousin was in town. It tasted good, for once. Mayhaps because I really like Village Inn's chocolate chip pancakes. I could eat more tonight, but there is like no one to go with me. Maybe I'll go find Alice and ask her if she is interested. If she is then I won't go to TLE. But if she's not then I will.
Still need to clean the kitchen. I think I might do that tonight and watch a movie at the same time. Also need to start packing soon. Don't have anyone to ride down with me, though. >.<
Too cold outside. Don't like it. Makes my foot hurt. Course, wearing high heels didn't help matters any, but I didn't have much of a choise. (Well, they're aren't really high heels, but I don't know what else to call them. I may be female, but that doesn't mean I know all the terms for shoes and whatever.)
I am SO TIRED! I've been awake since 8:30. But just because I'm tired doesn't mean I plan to go to bed real early. Even if I should.
Ah. Reminds me. I have an appointment with Dr. Walker tomorrow morning so that I can pick up my paper. It will be good to see her one more time before the semester is totally over. I wonder if I can get someone to ride up there with me so that I don't have to walk. Or find a parking spot. Hm.. I'll ask Alice. She's basically my favorite.
Oi. Guess I better go over there now to see if she wants to eat.
Basically I decided that I don't feel like eating yet. Sort of ate dinner tonight. Wasn't such a fan of it. So I prolly won't be eating much tomorrow. BUT I do have to eat Friday. HAVE to. It's all good, though, I guess.
Yea. I have a math review in 9 hours. I totally DO NOT want to go, but I need to. It's not like it is required or anything, I just think that I am stupid and will not have even the slightest chance of passing the final exam unless I do somewhat of a review first. I am going to be so mathed out by the end of the day tomorrow. I'll prolly be doing it for like... 6 hours straight. The review and then the final. But maybe the final won't take me that long. I still need to print off the reviews and take a look at them, preferably before morning comes, but I doubt such a think will occur.
So Nicole is going home tomorrow morning. I'm sort of sad about that. It means that I will be all alone in the world, quite literally. Oksana isn't hardly ever home (thank goodness... bless her heart) and I don't really ever see people anyway. I suppose that once I am done with my final I'll just come home and end up sitting where I am now without movine. Sort of like I've been doing for the past two weeks.
My watch feels mighty big. I'm even wearing it as tight as it gets.
I don't like saying that I hate people. But I have to say that the adversary is not liked. At all. He knows all the chinks in my armor and is utilizing that knowledge far too well. At least, he has been. I feel OK tonight. Been better, yes, but I feel OK. I feel like I'm in a bubble tonight. Protected and stuff. Good feeling.
I miss Biker Joe. A LOT. I think he needs to come back to my little pocket of the world and be my hometeacher again. Not that my hometeachers aren't good guys. But I just don't feel quite as close to them as I did to Joe.
Anyway, my review. I need to go to bed so I can be awake for it. I'l lhave to leave here at 8:30. Which, I guess, that shouldn't be so hard as I've been doing that all semester long.
78 freakin percent! What kind of score is that?! Gah. I'm such an idiot. I even studied for that one.
I've been running around like a chicken with my head cut off all day long. Got up and ran to campus for my first final. Turned in my math assignments first, though. Went to the bookstore and bought some books to read over Christmas as I'm pretty sure that is ALL I'll be doing. Other than sleeping anyway (going up on my medication this weekend. I expect it will be all sleep for the next month. First week of winter semester is going to be hard). Came home and wrote a cover letter for a job that I'm applying for. I had to have the resume etc. turned in by 5 and basically sprinted up Maeser Hill. But at least I got to see Veronica today. I miss my friends from last year. (But, honestly, I can't blame them for not wanting to be around me. Not worth it.) Ran to the store after that. Had to get a few small items. Then we had FHE the minute I got back. Came home and finally relaxed after that. Ended up falling asleep. Tried not to, though, because I know I'm only tired due to depression. I'm scared of sleeping too much, really.
Bah. I'm in a lot of pain tonight. My finger hurts because I had a cousin scratch it yesterday. My leg hurts just because, and my head hurts. Prolly due to malnutrition. But I guess that's what happens when you don't really eat for two weeks.
I remember when these pants that I'm wearing used to be too tight. Now they're too big. I do need to start eating again. I know that. I just need to make a concious decision to do so. Wednesday I will definately eat.
Righto. I think I'm going to bed. I'm not even going to bother studying for my FAMLF 100 final. I just don't care. If I fail, then so be it. Just don't let them kick me out. I'd be devestated and irrational. Not a good thing to be.
I think that Visiting Teaching is more for the one teaching than for the one being visited. I decided that today. At least, that's how I feel about the messages.
And I also think that I need to understand things better. I need to be a little easier on myself (how?) and more forgiving towards myself. I need to learn to accept myself.
Yeah, I'm a little bothered by my stupidity.
Oh, yeah. And I hate that I cry all the time these days. Especially when it is in front of someone else. I HARDLY EVER cry in front of others. The last time I remember doing that was over the summer when I was in excruciating pain from having my wisdom teeth taken out.
Oh, man. So like, I think I had the best time ever tonight. It was so nice to be included with a group of people again. That doesn't happen often for me. And I guess that is all my fault, mostly. Because I'm basically just a loser that sits in the same chair all freakin' day long without moving at all. (Yeah. That was me today. I think up until about... yeah. 7 o'clock this evening I had only moved from my chair for the total of one hour. And that was only to run to the store to get some kool aide.)
Anyway, so Nicole and I went over to Ben's place tonight. Courtney was there as well as this girl named Emily. Taylor showed up a little later. We played spoons, the sign game, and murderer in the dark from about 7:30 until... nine. It was a lot of fun. Then Taylor and Courtney came and got some cookies from Nicole and I, and we headed over to Taylor's to watch "The Polar Express." Ben came over when it was almost finished. Ah. Can I just say it's good to be with people again?
As much as I do feel that way, though, I know it won't be a constant. Just because of the way I am. I have to be forced out of the house, even out of my chair, to go anywhere. I just don't have the strength anymore. I'm so burned out. Even now, after being so happy for the past five hours or whatever I find myself sinking again. I have got to figure out what is wrong with me.
Nicole and I are going to ride up with Alice and Jeff at noon to Salt Lake. Nicole wants to see the lights, so we will have to spend a few hours up there, but that's OK. I want to go to the Gateway and Toshiko's. I guess if we get bored enough I could always call some family to come and get us until the lights came on. OH! The Candy windows are up again this year, aren't they? I missed them last year. They didn't have them.
Blah. I've still got math homework to do before Monday. And I need to write a cover letter for a job that I want to apply for. I don't know if I will get it or not, but it is always worth a try. I need a job desperately. It would get me out of the house for one and also provide me with more cash. I sort of think that the cash is more important right now. I can't handle living this... this... tightly? Is that the word I'm looking for? Anyway, it's just too stressful for me. I haven' tog the money to provide for myself.
Speaking of money, I need to go to the bank tomorrow so that I can get some cash in case Nicole and I have to take the bus back here to Provo. And I need to go get gas becaues I'm practically running on empty now.
Ahhhhhhhh. Tomorrow is going to be busy! I have TLE at 10:30 (I forgot to take my paper in on Thursday, so I have to go again this week), then I'll have to run to the bank and get home before noon. I hope I can do it. I guess I will just have to read really short stories or something. Dang it. I wanted to go to the bookstore tomorrow, too, but I don't think I will have the time. I guess I can do that Monday when I am up on campus for finals and whatev.
So I talked to Kalia last night. I miss her SOOOOOOO much! I just about started bawling on the phone. Which, you know, really isn't that big of a deal because I do it often. But anyway, I guess she is hoping to come for a visit in January, she just doesn't know when. Jackson and I are trying to talk Chase into coming for a visit as well. As forward as he can be sometimes, he is still a good guy. And he makes me laugh. Not many people can do that.
I'm actually tired tonight. Prolly because I didn't go to bed until 4 am last night. About that, anyway. So I think I will go to bed within the next... Well, I'll give myself two hours, just to be safe. But hopefully it will be quicker than that because it is already almost 2 am. >.<
It doesn't matter any more, I decided. I don't matter. Nothing I do, say, or think matters. If I had never been born the world might even be a better place. My sister would be happy. No one would have known me so they wouldn't miss me. The only reason I keep going is because I was born and now people do know me and my parents, at least, love me. But I haven't done anything worth doing in my life. All I've done is upset people, really. Like Tanya and Angie. Two people who I thought I would share so much with and now they won't even talk to me. And I can't even say I'm sorry.
I swear. I waste so much time posting blogs and whatnot on the net. But I don't care!
I have absolutely no motivation whatsoever to move from this spot. I've been sitting here for the past... 3 hours and sleeping for the past 2 hours. If today wasn't the last day of MWF classes, I'd still be sleeping.
I feel like giving up. On everything. Life is so superficial. It's full of pointless things that don't really matter in the long run. Like eating. Everyone has to do it so that their body can go on functioning, I know that. But it's sort of... pointless. I know. I'm not making sense. I don't very often.
Basically though, I don't like to eat. I'm not anorexic, that's not the problem (although, that has been a common accusation against me), I just find food to be disgusting and annoying and altogether pointless. The last meal I ate was... Saturday. I think. Yes. Saturday. The last time I ate 2+ meals in one day? I have no idea. It's been a while. Prolly last time I was at home so..... that would have been the saturday after Thanksgiving.
Ho-hum. I don't think that my roommates quite understand me. Nicole is jealous because I am "so thin." I've been "so thin" all my life. I've always been under weight. It doesn't seem to matter what I do I can't gain weight. Eating, exercising, and so forth provides no assistance to the matter. I guess that's one reason why I don't like eating. It doesn't seem to help me.
And then there's Oksana. Nice girl, for the most part. We just have conflicting personalities. And now she's telling me I have no right to be depressed (but she does) because I haven't lost any friends recently. SURPRISE! I have. You don't see me complaining about it 24/7. I resigned myself to the fact around day 3 of not being spoken to. You know, it wouldn't have been so bad for me if they weren't three of my closest friends and one of them my very best friend that I have ever had. I've forgiven them. I just wish they would forgive me. And I regret the fact that the whole ordeal ever had to happen.
I wish I didn't need people so much. I don't think my life has made any drastic changes in anyone else's life. Not really. My sister would prolly be better off if she WAS an only child. My parents would never know what it was like to have me around if I hadn't have been born, so there would be no way that they could miss me.
You know the movie "It's a Wonderful Life" with James Stewart in it? He was an amazing person in that movie. His character was. You know? He had a family all his own, he sacrificed himself for the whole town basically... His life really did have a great effect on people. Me, I'm not married. I don't have my own family. I haven't done any great deeds of service...
Bah. Expect lots of complaining to come forth from my keyboard. I need to get my frustrations out somewhere. I'd prolly keep going now, but I need to head back up to campus for my last class of the day.
Life goes on, even when we don't want it to.
"I think I know how it is to be grown up; it's when you feel how someone feels that isn't you." -Frances Griffiths