Saturday, January 21, 2006
I've got this strange obsession with pain. Even Jackson has noticed it (of course, I didn't admit to it when he said it- I didn't say anything at all). I've got physical proof of my obsession. Luckily the scars are beigining to fade. And I've been banned from purposely adding new ones. So, instead I resort to tearing myself down emotionally. I'm very good at it. I also have an obsession for depressing, and occasionally tear-jerking movies. Like tonight Nicole and I watched "Breakfast at Tiffany's" and I am now watching "Finding Neverland," all though what I really want to watch is the 1997 Korean film, "The Letter." The only problem with my obsession is that it often times causes tears to form. And I HATE crying. It makes me feel weak.
I just don't like it when other people cause me to hurt, whether intentionally or not. If I hurt due to something someone else said or did then it tells me that my wall is not complete and that my heart is not well protected. For instance, tonight while visiting THAT BOY he kept talking about how he's got a girlfriend now. THAT HURT. I didn't want to hear it. But I put on a happy face as best I could and just tried to avoid talking about it.
Then I found out that R. got my phone number from him. I was like... Woah. Weird. No complaints because I think R. is incredibly attractive and I know he is a worthy Priesthood holder. I doubt he'll ever call, though. Unless THAT BOY says something to him.
And then I've got T-chan talking to me again. That sort of hurts, too. I used to trust her with my life, but now I'm very wary of her. I don't know what she wants from me anymore. When she talks to me she acts as if nothing ever happened. I don't know how she can forget, but I never will.
I think I annoy Nicole more often than she lets on. I think I annoy a lot of people, actually. Just a persistant thought that I've had for a good portion of the evening.
Getting ready to put my portfolio together. Hopefully they will let me into the program. Got reprints of my better negatives done today, so I just need to find out from Bekah precisely how to put them on slides and so forth. Or I can go into the VA department and ask. I'll have to find out this week.
Anyway, going to concentrate on my movie now. And then it's to bed. Going to do baptisms at the temple tomorrow.
