Wednesday, January 11, 2006
Woah. Wacky weirdness. So I got on here just barely and I was like, "What the freak? I posted once already today? Oh, well. I'll post again anyway!" So, as you can see, I was still not alert when I posted. And chances are I'll have forgetten in the morning about this post since I just took another Lortab. You know, you can get anything out of me when I'm like this. Last night I still had SOME control of what I said for a little while, but now I don't think I do. Not really, anyway. Especially not in blogging. So beware, weird things might be coming out of my keyboard.
You know, I'm starting to feel like a druggy because I've been taking so many pills the past five, six days or so. It's no fun.
Anyway, I remembered a few things more about what the good doctor said to me yesterday. I have Pleurisy. They think. But they don't know for sure. It's very painful and I wish I could lay down and die for a while. Will know for sure if it is pleurisy if it goes away within a week. If it doesn't go away then it is prolly something more serious. Or they will do more tests. I was reading up a bit on pleurisy and I decided that it sounds scary (the tests) and I don't want any doctors to come near me ever again. Just let me die next time, k?
Lots of bruises on my arms. I'm very wary of people coming near me because I basically don't want anyone to touch me AT ALL (unless you're going to give me a foot massage. My back could use some popping, too, but the pain involved on the OTHER side of my back might kill me in the process. ie, having pressure put upon my back will also put pressure on my chest. So we'll avoid the latter).
I think maybe I am going to visit my mother this weekend, but I don't know for sure. Find out tomorrow if any of the flights are open. Need to go to the bookstore again and get another book. I feel so bad, though, because I missed all of my classes today. I'm such a bad student. This is the worst way ever to start a semester. Missed TLE Tuesday as well and I am taking it for two credits this semester. I hope I am able to go next week if I can't make it tomorrow or Saturday.
Raining tonight. I love the rain. But it's sort of bumming me out and reminding me of what my life was like LAST time it rained. While it was nice and stuff, it was also rather depressing. And I'm already a bit bummed out over a relationship with Jackson. I told him tonight when I called him that it was the last time EVER that I was going to bother him. I don't think he caught that part because he wasn't really listening to me. But whatev. I just need to get over the past. I dwell on it way too much. I think it might help me heal if I don't have contact with him for a while. Or it might make matters worse.
You know, I was talking to Alice today in the car (and I decided that I am not capapble of driving right now) and she was worried about her commitment issues that she has and I was like, "I wonder if I will have commitment issues if I ever get the chance?" And she's like, "You'll get a chance. Don't worry about that." And then she proceeded to tell me about her best friend, Andrea, and how Andrea dated only one guy really and they ended up getting married and how happy she is now. I do want that to happen to me, you know? Because I don't deal well with heart ache or with being stabbed in the back. I get suicidal, to be blunt and honest about it. But I don't think I'll be getting married any time soon. I don't date and I don't really want to date, but I long for love and all that comes with it (well, maybe not ALL, at least not until I really am married, if you get my drift).
There's a "him" that I need to stop loving. But I don't know how. Help? It's been suggested to me that I remind myself of all his bad points. I have yet to find anything that's "bad." No, he's not perfect, but I feel as if he is perfect for me. I'm sure I could get the same qualities from another man, but I want it all in him, from him.
It's not his fault though. He's done everything he can to discourage me short of making me hate him. He's very careful of my feelings. He knows what they are or at least what they were last March (which was basically the lowest my life has ever reached. Not his fault there, either. Entirely my own.)
Sometimes I hate being female just because I feel as if I have limited control over my life. Know what I mean? I'd make a horrible male, though. I'm quite girly.
I think I'm still in shock over everything. My temperature has been going up and down like no other (hold on. Pain attack...... dieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee Ok. I can breathe again. Sort of.) Yeah, so it was around 97.5 a few times yesterday and got up to 99.0 tonight. I wonder if I am fighting some virus off or something. Or maybe it's just because of my ears (I've got fluid built up behind my ear drums). Either way, it's no fun whatsoever. Now I'm at 98.1 again. I don't think I am hardly ever at 98.6. Yeah, kay, enough about my health. It's not important, really.
Hoodwinked comes to theaters this Friday. I want to go. With Jackson. He said he'd go with me back when I was struggling last month. It was last month, yes? December? Yeah, I think so. That sounds about right.
It's scary, I can feel all those same emotions lurking below the surface. I think the only thing keeping them down is the Lortab I'm on and the shock I've gone through. Once those wear off, I'm doomed. I can tell. It's going to be crying every night again and sitting in my room with the door closed almost all day. No contact with anyone. Thinking about death and how I almost wish I hadn't promised the Lord that I will endure to the end. That's how I get. But I always keep my promises. Always always.
Woah-ah. My brain is doing this wonky fuzzy thing and my fan looks really funny. I'm starting to things see that aren't there. Wait. Did I say that right? Things see... umm... see things. Yeah. Maybe. Blahhhh. I hate how Lortab makes it hard to think.
Weidness of the weirds. EmmaLee actually taked to me for a whole five minutes today! Maybe even eight! I was like, WOW!!! She never talks to me anymore and I don't know why. It ames me sad, though. I mean, makes me. (I should go back and just make the corrections, but I figure you need some entertainment and it might be fun to laugh at me.)
Oh, guess what! My lab, my lab, my lab! It's with Alice. I'm so happy. I'll have a friend in one of my classes! And we can like, go together and stuff! I really should have done the reading for HFL, but I have been lacking in energy. Blahhhhhhhh.
I know I need friends, more of them, but I'm scared. It's easier for me to love people when I know they can't hurt me. Easier for me to do service for them when they can't hurt me. Which really doesn't make any sense whatsoever.
K, I think this is prolly long enough for you. Plus I still need to write in my real journal and read my Book of Mormon (I heart that book. I think it's my favorite ever.)
Leave comments to tell me how weird I am. And give me your sympathy if you have any. Or your suggestions on how to make my life easier. Because I seem to be really good at complicating it.
