Monday, January 16, 2006
Ok, the ten thing? Yeah, it's just not working. Maybe one happy thought a day.
I have more thoughts now. My headache is gone after some major medicating (Zomig-costs a fortune and thus I only use it when I feel like dying).
I finished "My Name is Asher Lev" which, as it's for a class, is surprising. But I LOVE Chaim Potok and, what can I say. Saw it as a "text" and just couldn't help myself. We're not even supposed to start the darn thing until this week. Ended badly. Well, not badly, really, but in a manner which was not healthy for the mood I'm in. I needed a happy ending tonight and I didn't get one. I suppose that's how life goes, though. Seems that happy endings only happen in fairy tales and so forth. Or on days when you're already happy and don't actually NEED it to end in like manner. But, I still loved the book. I relate to Asher. More than I'd like to, perhaps, but I still relate. To his feelings. To his thoughts, some of them. Such as The world is not a pretty place. The world is not nice. We walk the decades. Things like that. I highly recommend reading it. You should read "The Chosen" as well. Same author.
I find myself to be thinking a lot these past few days. I've come to a few conclusions. I don't trust people anymore (yes, I may have said this. I tend to be a broken record and repeat myself often). I feel like I'm building this wall around my heart. I don't want to be loved anymore. Except, that's a bit of a lie. But I say it because I'm afraid of getting hurt or hurting those who do love me (which I don't believe there to be many of those, but it's all good). Instead I just hurt myself. It's a daily ritual now, I think. No, no more visible scars. I'm done with that (even though I occasionally wish I wasn't). I just tear myself to shreads mentally and emotionally. I don't need others to do it and I don't want others to do it. So I avoid them now. I'm crawling back into my little hidey-hole. I could stay in my room by myself with little to no contact from the outside world and I don't think it would matter. People don't actually NEED me. I want to feel needed. I crave it. And because I know that I'm not needed, I feel as if it is better if I just stay out of the way. The world doesn't need me. It requires nothing from me. There is nothing I can do for the world. (Yet. Someday I will. I don't have enough yet.) I think, for the most part, that every person I have ever met would be just as fine or better off if I hadn't have entered into their lives.
Yes, I'm in a mood. Still.
I've also decided that I am far too serious. I don't REALLY laugh. I don't remember the last time I did, to be honest. And I suppose Jackson is right. I don't smile enough, either. And don't, DON'T give me that garbage about "you should never frowb because you never know who is falling in love with your smile." Nicole did today. Had I not have realized she was trying to help, I would have torn into her about it. But I'm trying to be nicer. I'm not a nice person.
I wrote this poem. It was all symbolic and meaningful yet hidiously dark at the same time. Then it died when I hit the submit button (was on DA). I was NOT happy. And it's not something that I can redo, you know? I am not capable of writing the same things twice when they come from my heart.
Ok. Need to write in my REAL journal now, read the Book of Mormon, and go to bed. It's going to be a VERY long day tomorrow.
