Monday, February 13, 2006
As I'm sure we are all aware of by now, tomorrow is Singles' Appreciation Day. Or Valentine's Day if you're attatched to someone. I remember last year Stephen Jones and his roommates bought all the girls' aparments a rose. He wasn't even Elders Quorum President yet- just did it to be nice. I don't even remember what I did last year... Oh, wait. I went to class and it rained. And... Pretty much that was it. I don't believe in Valentine's day. But I'll get to that in a moment. This year, I've got great plans for the second worst day of the year (Halloween comes in first): I'm going to "dress in black, watch war movies, sabotage your roommates' dates, throw water balloons at couples making out, [and] picket Valentine's Day outside of restaurants." (Some amazing person on the staff of
Schooled Magazine -whom I credit for all my quotes in this issue.) Too bad none of my roommates have dates tomorrow... I guess I'll just have to skip that part.
Anyway, why I don't believe in the day. I particularly like the article written by Chris Sorensen (page 22), Singles Appreciation Day. "February 14th is an evil day," he says. "That's a fact. Cars hit more puppies on February 14th than on any other day of the year. No movie released on this date has ever won best picture. February 14th is Justin Timberlake's birthday. There's no arguing that this is a truly heinous date. The real question is why do we celebrate such a day? Valentine's Day must be an inherently flawed holiday to be placed on the date when you are statistically most likely to die in a zeppelin-related accident.
"The real problem with Valentine's Day is that I don't have a girlfriend." Boyfriend for me, thank you. "Even worse is the fact that I have never had one on Valentine's Day. In all my years of dating, (beginning promptly at 16 and continuing until this point at 23, taking a two-year intermission) I have never had a girlfriend on February 14th. This curse is of much more concern to me than one on any baseball team or pirate ship. If the pattern continues, it bodes very poorly for a happy marriage lasting longer than 12 months.
"Of course I am not alone in my loneliness. While it's true that Happy Valley is the world capital of courtship, there are many here who are single at any given time. These singles have adopted February 14th as SAD, Singles Awareness Day. While I appreciate a clever acronym as much as the next guy, perhaps more, I'd like to alter this one a bit. We're all painfully aware of how single we are. Those giggling couples are aware of this as well. This is why they tell us every other minute how great it is to be in a relationship and how we should really get out of our sweatpants and find a soul mate. We don't need a Singles Awareness Day; we need a Single Appreciation Day. If you prefer ire to melancholy you could also celebrate Marriage Antagonist Day.
"Single Appreciation Day is really a more natural celebration than is Valentine's Day. You're born alone, you die alone, and you experience the more awkward stages of puberty alone: being single seems to be the natural state. Marriage on the other hand is insanity. A practical
definition of insanity is repeating the same behavior and expecting different results. If you're reading this you're almost certainly in Provo or Orem. If you currently reside in either of these cities you have been on a date. It's the law." I interject once again. I think it must be true, but it is also true that I have only been on A date. Uno. Ichi. One. "Go check the city ordinances, it's there. If you've been on a date you know they can range from slightly uncomfortable to mind-bogglingly excruciating. I have come close to stabbing my salad fork into my eye on more than one occasion. And yet common sentiment dictates that the immense pain of dating will
immediately be transformed into extreme bliss once we're married. Same behavior -- different result: insanity.
"'But Chris, dating is fun. Being loved is great. Surely you're just a jerk and/or loser.' I admit, I may be both of these things. I further admit that not every date I've been on has involved attempted eye-gouging. But interacting with any girl can easily drive a man insane. Adjectives such as fickle, petty and irrational come to mind. Before I receive any hate mail, men have their fair share of adjectives as well: stubborn, insensitive, odiferous, grouchy, shallow, X-box obsessed. Notice how I criticized men more heavily, so as to be politically correct. The bottom line is that the dating game sucks worse than a 52 Card Pickup marathon in mittens. Why do the sexes put up with each other? Is it not insane to think that these creatures that have tormented us endlessly since we were five will suddenly bring us happiness?
"In reality I don't advocate celibacy. Props to those monks; they're better men than I -- or worse men, depending on how you define manliness. I'm actively seeking the girl that drives me the least insane and lacks a criminal record. When I find her and trick her into saying yes, we're as good as married. But until then Im going to enjoy being single. I'm going to...eat Twix for breakfast. I'm going to throw my third annual Love Sucks party on SAD and have a great time. I might even change out my sweatpants."
Now I add to his list: Valentine's day is stressful. Especially if you're in a relationship. Admit it! You have to prove to your loved one that you really love them and people tend to go to extreme lengths to accomplish such a feat. In reality, you should be treating your valentine as if they are special EVERY day of the year. Why do we need V-Day to get us to do this? It's pointless. And, as reason number TWO: expensive. Why, just this last Saturday I went with dear old Jackson to help him find something for his girlfriend (an activity I did not enjoy but I went with him anyway because I really don't get to see him often enough. To be perfectly clear about it, I only said about three sentences the whole time we were at the mall; Nicole was the one giving input, not me). He spent about $80, I'd say, and still has to get her flowers. Not to mention dinner, a movie, and whatever else they decided to do tomorrow. No, if ever in my life I end up having a boyfriend, I would seriously rather he not spend that kind of money on me (unless it's an engagement ring, of course, and then he better be spending more than $80). Just spending time together is enough to satisfy me, and I'm not even joking. It's always assumed that when a girl says, "Oh, you don't have to get me anything," she really does have something in mind that she would like you to buy. Not me. If I say it, I mean it. I'd be more than happy watching an action-packed movie, sitting on the couch eating popcorn with a blanket on my lap, and someone's arms around me. Although, I wouldn't complain about not having to cook dinner.
I say we all boycott Valentine's day.
Of course, I have been known to be pretty bitter when it comes to matters of love.
