Today there was a lot of talk about Testimony in church. I have no complaints on the subject matter. I know what I know, I believe what I believe, and I hope for so many things that may or may not be. But the bottom line is:
I'm imperfect. And I guess I just have to deal with this as a fact of life for me and the rest of the world. That's not really what's on my mind, though.
My home teachers came by tonight. I haven't had "wonderful" home teachers for like... two years now. Last time I had home teachers I trusted and enjoyed was the last time I lived here in the SBitBoM and one of them was a member of BACA (and if you can find this HT for me, I will love you forever). This morning, though, my roommates and I were fed breakfast at our HT's appartment. It was nice. And then they came over and taught us tonight (because breakfast really didn't have much in the way of spiritual thought to it after the prayer was said). We talked about testimony (again) and feeling the Spirit and the way the Spirit communicates with us. I had a few thoughts on the matter, mostly like how any language spoken by Man is incomplete, insufficient, and just plain can't communicate everything. However, the Lord's language is universal and perfect and, while we don't remember it any more (at least not to speak it), our spirits do and that is one reason why the Lord has given us His Spirit: to help us communicate with him and others.
One of my home teachers asked us right before they left if we have been able to feel the Spirit as of late because he wanted to make sure we are doing well in all aspects (you know, physical, emotional, yadda yadda yadda). I chose not to respond because... I don't know. Do you have any idea how frightening this is? I mean, it's not like I feel like the Spirit is not there, but I don't feel it, either. And I'm sure he really is there because I'm not doing anything (that I know of) that would keep him away. As much as I hate to fall back on the excuse, I think it's because depression does make it hard to feel much of anything (except depressed).
And on that note, please pardon my rant (or skip it): Don't ever insinuate that someone is doing something wrong or negleting to do something period just because they are depressed. This is not always the case! I am so tired of hearing people say things like "If you just go out and serve others you won't be depressed" or "If you're obeying the commandments and doing everything you're supposed to you have no reason to be sad" when they have no concept of what clinical depression really is. Yes, service can help -to a certain degree. And, hello? Haven't you ever had a day when you just feel like crud even though you are reading your scriptures, saying your prayers, paying tithing, going to church and everything else? Sure, there isn't always a reason to feel bad; sometimes it just happens. Please, just get off my back about it and/or watch what you say when you're talking about something you don't understand.
I'll attempt a gratitude journal before I leave town this week. So keep your eyes peeled like bananas so you can see all the... creative things I come up with.