Wednesday, June 13, 2007
So... for the past like... I don't know, two or three weeks, I haven't been actually going to bed until around 3 and 4 in the morning. I don't expect tonight to be any different. I don't know what the problem is now, though, because I'm not even taking Lexapro anymore so it's not like I can blame it on that. I think if I were to just, you know, shut down my computer, turn off my light, and lie down I'd actually be able to find dreamland fairly quickly. But the thing is, I don't want to. I don't really want to sleep anymore. I just want to sit and think and listen to my tunes. Maybe watch a movie or read a book. Anything but sleep. I think maybe it's because I keep having so many weird/disturbing/ nerve-wracking dreams (for example, just the other night I dreamed my mother was trying to tell me that she had cancer and was going to die in three days. Or, another example, a certain someone and the last time I saw
werf and the last thing we did together kept playing over and over and over like a broken record through my dreams, leaving me to wake up sad and confused with a cat walking all over me. And then you can't forget the
Dead dreams- I can remember three of them quite vividly). So, to sum that up, I don't know what the deal is but living off of 4-5 hours of sleep each night probably isn't healthy and I should
probably try to remedy this. But I doubt I will. I mean, hey. At least I've taken up eating again, yeah?
So apparently I'm doing much worse than I think am emotionally. Certain individuals whom I have confided in (or not, as the case may be) keep asking me if I'm doing OK, am I sure I'm doing OK? And just treating me, in general like I'm a china doll that is about to fall off the shelf and shatter. It's getting on my nerves. Yes, I'm fine. Get off my back already! Yeah, I'm still confused out of my mind and ready to just scream at blogger right now (I keep having to wait for what I've typed to catch up to me; it's getting to be really annoying) but I promise that I am OK. I'm functioning which is all I've ever asked to do and I feel quite capable of going on with life no matter what right now as opposed to just wanting to give up. Maybe I'm not all smiley happy, but so what! My mother has, quite possibly, been one of the worst as far as treating me like I'm about to break. I understand that she loves me and that she's worried about me and whatever, but, honestly, when have I ever just opened up to anyone? And she expects me to do it now? When I don't even feel like I need to?
Don't get me wrong, I appreciate everyone's willingness to be there for me at "my time of need," but this isn't that time. I am quite capable of sorting this one out on my own, thanks. It's all between me, That Individual, and the Lord. If you feel like you've got advice to give me, fine. Just don't expect me to jump on your band wagon and start playing whatever instrument you hand me, 'cause that's just not going to happen.
On another note. Thursday my ward is having a Meet the Bishopric Social at 8 in the usual gather place. This causes me some distress because I have to work that day and to get to Cougar Town on time for the social means I have to leave by 4:00 pm and not make any stops along the way (not that I usually do, but there's a ton of construction right now throughout the majority of the state which is rather annoying and causes traffic to slow down a LOT). This means I will probably only get three hours of work in that day as opposed to my usual four, which means smaller paycheck, which means less money to actually make this trip in the first place, which means me not having a lot of food options available to me while I am in the North Country. I will be going, however, so fear not. And then a week from Thursday I will be making the exact same trip so that I can be in Cougar Town to work at 7:30 am Friday morning (the 22- I am so excited for this job, I can't even tell you). I'm thinking I'll just fly back home this coming Sunday and leave my car up there for a few days. It'll be cheaper that way. Of course, I'll have to find someone willing to take me to work next week, but whatever. I'm sure if I asked my dad he'd come get me. Oh, and here's hoping I can go play at Seven Peaks this coming weekend. I need some sunshine and to play in the water. Even if it does cost me an arm and a leg.
Sorry for the rambles. You've come to expect it from me by now, though, haven't you?
Always remember: wherever you go, there you are!
