Tuesday, September 11, 2007
Go figure.
It's really hard for me to explain the way I feel inside when I'm feeling on the "outs," if you know what I mean. I don't think that depression is really something you can understand unless you've experienced it, even for just a few days.
Anyway, something I've noticed lately and in the past is how difficult it is to really feel much of anything, to get answers to prayers, etc. when I'm in the midst of a major depressive episode. I'm slowly starting to come to the realization, though, that I just have to make it a matter of seriously looking for Heavenly Father in the world around me, for the comfort that He tries so hard to give me, for His love. I'm not very good at this. In fact, I'm quite bad at it. This probably says something about me that isn't exactly... positive, but it's the truth and I'm not one to deny it.
Just a few things I've seen/noticed in the past week:
- That guy that told me to have a great day, even though I didn't know him and had never even seen him before (at least, not that I’ve noticed/remembered).
- That other guy at work, who made me smile (a rarity, as of late)
- The rain storms last week
- And the rainbow
- Friends that have put up with all my drama and insanity, especially late at night when I should be sleeping but can’t seem to because of everything I’ve got on my mind.
- Being blessed with three wonderful roommates who do their best to keep the apartment clean and organized to a greater extent than they otherwise might, just because they know it’s important to me
- The same roommates including me in their outings (or, at the very least, trying to- I don’t always accept).
- Having parents that love me and don’t get upset when I snap at them or get irritable when they ask questions I’m not in the mood to answer.
- A dear, dear friend that writes to me every week, even when she has nothing better to tell me than the fact that she’s finally tried a peanut butter and honey sandwich and fallen in love with them.
- Getting an email from another individual who is very dear to me, just because.
- Being able to live in an apartment complex where everyone seems to be really friendly and more than happy to offer their services when my arms are laden with groceries, the elevator is broken, and I have 6 flights of stairs to climb.
- And a new friend that “confesses” to being a non-alcoholic during church, just because I asked him to (after he mentioned it).
I’m still not wholly convinced that I can be forgiven for some of the things I’ve done this past week, but life will go on and I know the Lord doesn’t want me to give up just yet, no matter how much easier that would be for me. And still I am able to find some small comfort from His words.
“Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest” (Matt. 28:11 KJV).
For a small moment have I forsaken thee, but with great mercies will I gather thee. In a little wrath I hid my face from thee for a moment, but with everlasting kindness will I have mercy on thee, saith the Lord thy Redeemer…. [M]y kindness shall not depart from thee, neither shall the covenant of my peace be removed, saith the Lord that hath mercy on thee. O thou afflicted, tossed with tempest, and not comforted! Behold, I will lay thy stones with fair colors, and lay thy foundations with sapphires. In righteousness shalt thou be established; thou shalt be far from oppression for thou shalt not fear, and from terror for it shall not come near thee” (3 Nephi 22:7-14).
Labels: Svithe
