Thursday, May 31, 2007
My creativity is running a little thin these days. I don't really know what to blame that on; probably my job and the fact that I feel trapped in my current life-state situation and that I feel like I have little to no control over what's going on.
P.S., this is probably not going to be one of my happiest posts, so if you're getting sick of these, then I'd go read something else if I were you.
I'm leaving for Cougar Town again tomorrow. Probably early afternoon, maybe late morning if I get moving early enough. It's hard for me to believe that it's already been a week since I was up there last.
And I've come to the conclusion that I'm probably not going to wait for the trial month of this Lexapro to be up before I call my doctor. I've noticed this past week that I'm fast sliding back to the state I was in this past January before the initial drug switch. I've been in a lot of physical pain and I'm having a really hard time staying pleasant for long periods of time. Not to mention that being with people for even an hour just wears on me and I'm exhausted all the time. Of course, I'm not getting any sleep, either, and I'm sure that has something to do with the exhaustion, but I also attribute that problem to the drug. This may or may not be the case, but I can think of nothing else to pin it on. Also, I haven't been eating more than one meal a day for quite a while again. This is usually a sure sign to me that my depression is coming back full force. Food does not entice me in the least bit. I could care less about anything edible. They had donuts and chips with salsa at work today because one of the morning girls is leaving tomorrow. I didn't eat any of it. I didn't want it. I just sat in my little corner, typing away for four hours not saying a word unless I had a question on what something said (mechanics do not have the best handwriting ever).
Problem is, though, that I don't know if drugs are even ever going to help me out. I just can't help but doubt lately. I'm afraid of so many things right now. I'm afraid of change. I'm afraid that I'm going to botch this chance, too, and that I'll be alone forever. I felt so much hope on Sunday after I talked to my bishop and he gave me a blessing, but now it's gone. All of it. I haven't talked to SL since that day and now I'm concerned. I don't know what I did, but I feel like I must have done something wrong. I'm such a worry-wort. I honestly don't think anyone deserves having to deal with my emotional baggage. I'd not wish it upon anyone by any means.
I'm so afraid right now. I'm afraid because I know I'm falling in love with him, and, as much as I want to, I don't. I don't want to be hurt again. I don't know that I could take it. I'm afraid of what would happen if I was hurt again, that maybe I'd just give up and go off the deep end. Essentially, I'm afraid to trust him and that is the root of the problem. Last time I trusted someone, they ripped my heart out of my chest, tore it into a million pieces, and scattered them all over, stomping on them afterwards. Last time I trusted someone, they turned on me and started spreading hateful stories about me around other mutual friends. That was last time I trusted someone. That was more than two years ago, yet even that trust was wavering.
I want to trust him, but I want the guarantee that he's not going to hurt me. I want to know that he'll protect me at all costs and that he will trust me to not hurt him. And I'm afraid to trust him because what he's said in the past and the way that he acts are totally not in accord with each other. I don't know which one he really means.
Krishna asked me earlier if I was actually falling in love with him or with the physical relationship. I thought of this earlier, a few weeks ago, really, so I didn't have to think long today. I'm 100 percent probably sure that I'm falling in love with him. I just feel so... I don't really know how to explain it. But when I'm with him I feel like I can take off my mask and just be myself and not worry (it's when I'm not with him that I have the problem). I don't feel like I have to be in pain to protect myself from him. In fact, for the first time like... ever, I don't want to be. I don't feel like I need to hurt myself to get his attention. When I'm with him, people don't scare me so much. I feel like I can get out of my shell a little bit. When I'm with him, I feel like I don't have to worry so much. Fewer things bother me; the world doesn't have to be perfect because he's there and that's enough. When I'm with him, it doesn't bother me so much that my roommate is a slob and that Management is annoying. When I'm with him. That's the problem. I'm not with him right now and I don't know when I will next see him or talk to him or hear his voice.
I need a vacation. From my life, from my issues. Problem is, wherever I go, so do they. I don't know how to just let them go. Get rid of them. You know? They've been a part of my life far longer than even I can possibly imagine (my mother told me a story about when I was 2 last night that proves I've had anxiety disorders since forever) that I don't even know what life is like without them.
Sorry I'm such a sap. I guess we all have our days, eh?
P.S. This "save now" button seriously keeps throwing me off. Get rid of it, Blogger!
Always remember: wherever you go, there you are!
Labels: Friends, health, relationships, weekend plans, work
