Should all prayers be immediately answered according to our selfish desires and our limited understanding, then there would be little or no suffering, sorrow, disappointment or even death, and if these were not there would also be an absence of joy, success, resurrection, eternal life and Godhood.
We are assured by the Lord that the sick will be healed if the ordinance is performed, if there is sufficient faith and if the ill one is “not appointed unto death”. Here there are three factors. Many do not comply with the ordinances and great numbers are unwilling or incapable of exercising sufficient faith. But there is the other factor which looms important: “If they are not appointed unto death” Every act of God is purposeful. He sees the end from the beginning. He knows what builds us, or tears us down, what will thwart the program and what will give us eventual triumph.
The Lord does not always heal the sick, nor save those in hazardous zones. He does not always relieve suffering and distress, for even these seemingly undesirable conditions may be part of a purposeful plan.
Being human we would expel form our lives, sorrow, distress, physical pain and mental anguish and assure ourselves of continual ease and comfort, but if we closed the doors upon such, we might be evicting our greatest friends and benefactors. Suffering can make saints of people as they learn patience, long suffering and self mastery. The sufferings of our Savior was part of his education.
...
God controls our lives, guides and blesses us, but gives us our agency. We may live our lives in accordance with His plan for us or we.. Shorten or terminate them.
I’m positive in my mind that the Lord has planned our destiny. We shorten our lives but I think we cannot lengthen them very much. Sometime we’ll understand fully, and when we see back from the vantage point of the future we shall be satisfied with many of the happenings of this life which seemed so difficult for us to comprehend.
We knew before we were born that we were coming to the earth for bodies and experience and that we would have joys and sorrows, pain and comforts, ease , and hardships, health and sickness, success and disappointments, and we knew also that we would die. We accepted all these eventualities with a glad heart, eager to accept both the favorable and unfavorable. We were undoubtedly willing to have a mortal body, even if it were deformed. We eagerly accepted the chance to come... thought it might be for a day, a year, or a century. Perhaps we were not so much concerned whether we should die of disease. We were willing to come and take life as it was and as we might organize and control it, and this without murmur or complaint or unreasonable demands. We sometimes think we would like to know what was ahead, but sober thought brings us back to accepting life a day at a time and magnifying and glorifying that day.
So, today was a day full of sweets and joy... and joyness... No, really, though, good stories.
I was working Coat Check this morning for the big event going on up on campus. It was minorly boring, at least until... The Incident.
My coworkers and I were trying to condense the tables down as people came in and picked up their bags and their coats and what have you so that we wouldn't have to keep running clear across the Garden Court to find so-and-so's bag (that gets tiring, let me tell you). Well, we look down at this one table and someone goes, "Umm... is that what I think it is?" "What is that?" asks someone else. We poked the object with the bag it was sitting next to only to discover that "it" was a pair of lacy black panties from Victoria's Secret. Awkward! We laughed for a long time and someone finally got up the courage to get rid of it. Don't ask how, I was screaming "ew" the whole time trying to keep my eyes closed while at the same time attempting to see what was going on.
Tonight was also full of good times. Chilly invited me to go to the General Relief Society session of conference with her and some other dear, dear people. We got to go on this cool little golf-cart ride through the under-ground tunnels and ended up sitting about 5 rows back from the stand. And then, but what would you know it? Mary Ellen Edmunds was sitting just a few seats down from me! The General! In person! Live action and everything! I went up to her and she sort of tackled me with a great big hug then proceeded to Knight me with her umbrella. It was so awesome. She's amazing and I love her. I want to be just like her when I grow up.
Meanwhile, the "check engine" light on my car has suddenly decided to turn on and won't go away. The way Lola's been acting causes me to think that the transmission might be on its way out, which is so not cool. I'm going to take her down to the Ford garage on Tuesday (maybe Monday, if I can get out of class fast enough) to have her checked. I'm hoping she's just upset with me because I haven't been driving her as much as I was all summer long. That's got to be it, right?
It's nice to smile and laugh again, if you're wondering. And it's nice to have such amazing friends like Chilly and DL and Krishna, too. And Bob (I love you most, Bob).
Oh my gosh! It's coming! It's almost here! Look! November 13, surely you cannot come fast enough. I am sooo excited. I've been waiting since, what, March for this to come to DVD? And now it's going to! At long last!
(Mummy, don't put this on my Christmas wish list. I'm sure I'll own it before you do.)
Let's all have an Amazing Grace party at my place, OK? I'll provide the movie, you provide the grub.
It's too late. I already saw what you didn't want me to see. I may be young and semi-naive, but I'm not blind or stupid. Don't worry, though. I'll keep your secret.
Just in case you've missed the message in a variety of my other posts, boys* are scum. I guess I shouldn't be surprised by this anymore. I mean, really, how many times has this happened in the past year? No, I'm not going to discuss it with anyone, so don't ask. I just need to rant about it for a second. Can't trust them anymore, and so I won't. The end.
Believe it or not, but I've been contemplating practically all day long about this Svithe. It's been a pretty challenging one for me and I know that it's still not very well developed. However, since the day is nearly over, I figure I can only give you what I've got and I don't seem to be getting much more than this any time soon. So, I'm supplementing what my Svithe lacks with a trailer for the movie Amazing Grace which graced (haha) our theaters this past February and should be coming to DVD soon.
But onto the meat of my post.
So, I've been reading in 3 Nephi for the past little while. 3 Nephi is actually my favorite section of the Book of Mormon (along with the war chapters in Alma; they're pretty cool, too). Anyway, that's sort of beside the point and doesn't really matter a whole lot. The other day I was reading in chapter 18 when I came across the following verse:
And whatsoever ye shall ask the Father in my name, which is right, believing that ye shall receive, behold it shall be given unto you.
"Which is right." How, exactly, am I supposed to know if what I'm asking for is right? I've been contemplating this for the past few days and I'm still not so sure what the answer is. (Yeah, I'm kinda dumb like that.) I suppose one could refer to Mormon 9:25 which states
And whosoever shall believe in my name, doubting nothing, unto him will I confirm all my words, even unto the ends of the earth.
But where does confirmation come from? It comes from the Holy Spirit, of course!
God shall give unto you knowledge by his Holy Spirit yea, by the unspeakable gift of the Holy Ghost, that has not been revealed since the world was until now.
But, behold, I say unto you, that you must study it out in your mind; then ye must ask me if it be right, and if it is right I will cause that your bosom shall burn within you; therefore, you shall feel that it is right.
I guess I must still be in the "Study it out in your mind" part, because I'm still not getting any answer that I recognize as being an answer.
Anyway, that's as far along as I've gotten on that train of thought. If you've got any input to help it get going again, please share.
I've decided to join a convent. Where I'm going to find one that shares my values is beyond me, but I'm sick of dealing with all this garbage.
In the mean time, other than the fact that I've had a migraine every day this week, life is beginning to return to normal, which basically means that I can cope again in a healthier manner and that I'm still not sleeping.
General Conference is obviously on its way. I can tell this because I'm getting sick. Again. I don't even remember the last time I wasn't sick during Conference.
And, P.S., if you're wondering what a promise is worth, apparently it's nothing. I am now to pretend my life of Hell is the lie. Don't get me started on that unless you're prepared for another emotional collapse.
Oh, and one more thing. If I just suddenly stop writing and you don't hear from me for more than a week, it probably means I died of Seratonin Syndrome.
Sacrament Meeting: Bishop's wife spoke in Sacrament today. She's a really sweet lady and I love her already, even though I haven't actually met her yet. Anyway, she was telling us the story of the man to whom Jesus said, "Come, follow me," and then replied, "Suffer me first to bury my father." (I'm totally paraphrasing all of that, just so you know.) She then presented us with the question, what is it that we are saying we want to do first, before we follow the Lord? What is it that is keeping us back? "Suffer me first to finish this television show, this movie, this book, my studies, get a career, get married, etc." It causes me to wonder, nay, to contemplate, what is it that I expect to happen first, before I can more fully follow the Lord, even Jesus Christ my Saviour and Redeemer? I'm not really certain at this point (though I'm sure there is something or another holding me back), so this is something I'm going to have to ponder about some more. I expect, though, that it probably has something to do with my pride.
But it reminds me of a story that Sir Mountainous was telling Supervisor and me at work the other day. In his family, they are always saying "Hold on!" when asked to do something. Last Monday, during Family Home Evening, they were discussing scripture stories. I don't remember all of the stories that they went over, but I remember they talked about Noah and the flood, Nephi when he was tied up on the ship, and Joseph Smith Jr. in the Sacred Grove. "Now let's change history," Sir Mountainous told his small children. "What would have happened had Noah told his family, 'OK! It's starting to sprinkle, time to get in the ark!' and his family said, 'Hold on!'" "They would have drowned," said small children. "OK, next story," says Sir M. "Let's say Nephi's tied to the ship and his brothers are beating him. God tells the angel to go down and save Nephi when the angel says, "Hold on!" What would have happened?" "Nephi would have died and then they all would have drowned," said small children. Honest, not all the stories had to do with drowning. Take, for example, the next one. "Joseph Smith is in the Sacred Grove. Do you remembered what happened then, before he saw God the Father and His son, Jesus Christ?" "An evil spirit came and tried to destroy him." "And if Joseph's prayer had been answered with 'Hold on!', then what?" I think you see the point.
Sunday School: I know there was something, I'm just too tired to remember what it was right now.
Relief Society:
"We need an unspoiled companion who will not count our wrinkles, remember our stupidities nor remember our weaknesses; ... we need a loving companion with who we have suffered and wept and prayed and worshiped; one with whom we have suffered sorrow and disappointments, one who loves us for what we are or intend to be rather than what we appear to be in our gilded shell."
So I went to the pharmacy today to spend $45 on 6 pills (that's with insurance, mind) and upon parting was told, "Thank you Mrs. [my last name here]!" Er?
Oh, and tomorrow the lesson in Relief Society is on Eternal Marriage (I know this because Sariah is teaching it).
So, Did I miss the memo? Or, maybe, it was a very strong hint that I need to get married... Great.
It's really hard for me to explain the way I feel inside when I'm feeling on the "outs," if you know what I mean. I don't think that depression is really something you can understand unless you've experienced it, even for just a few days.
Anyway, something I've noticed lately and in the past is how difficult it is to really feel much of anything, to get answers to prayers, etc. when I'm in the midst of a major depressive episode. I'm slowly starting to come to the realization, though, that I just have to make it a matter of seriously looking for Heavenly Father in the world around me, for the comfort that He tries so hard to give me, for His love. I'm not very good at this. In fact, I'm quite bad at it. This probably says something about me that isn't exactly... positive, but it's the truth and I'm not one to deny it.
Just a few things I've seen/noticed in the past week:
That guy that told me to have a great day, even though I didn't know him and had never even seen him before (at least, not that I’ve noticed/remembered).
That other guy at work, who made me smile (a rarity, as of late)
The rain storms last week
And the rainbow
Friends that have put up with all my drama and insanity, especially late at night when I should be sleeping but can’t seem to because of everything I’ve got on my mind.
Being blessed with three wonderful roommates who do their best to keep the apartment clean and organized to a greater extent than they otherwise might, just because they know it’s important to me
The same roommates including me in their outings (or, at the very least, trying to- I don’t always accept).
Having parents that love me and don’t get upset when I snap at them or get irritable when they ask questions I’m not in the mood to answer.
A dear, dear friend that writes to me every week, even when she has nothing better to tell me than the fact that she’s finally tried a peanut butter and honey sandwich and fallen in love with them.
Getting an email from another individual who is very dear to me, just because.
Being able to live in an apartment complex where everyone seems to be really friendly and more than happy to offer their services when my arms are laden with groceries, the elevator is broken, and I have 6 flights of stairs to climb.
And a new friend that “confesses” to being a non-alcoholic during church, just because I asked him to (after he mentioned it).
I’m still not wholly convinced that I can be forgiven for some of the things I’ve done this past week, but life will go on and I know the Lord doesn’t want me to give up just yet, no matter how much easier that would be for me. And still I am able to find some small comfort from His words.
“Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest” (Matt. 28:11 KJV).
For a small moment have I forsaken thee, but with great mercies will I gather thee. In a little wrath I hid my face from thee for a moment, but with everlasting kindness will I have mercy on thee, saith the Lord thy Redeemer…. [M]y kindness shall not depart from thee, neither shall the covenant of my peace be removed, saith the Lord that hath mercy on thee. O thou afflicted, tossed with tempest, and not comforted! Behold, I will lay thy stones with fair colors, and lay thy foundations with sapphires. In righteousness shalt thou be established; thou shalt be far from oppression for thou shalt not fear, and from terror for it shall not come near thee” (3 Nephi 22:7-14).
So, I was over at Krishna's this evening when I got this phone call from Santa Horhe.
"Is Vicky there?" "Er... no, sorry. Wrong number," I said. "Oh. I'm sorry. Um... Is this [insert my number here]?" "Yeah..." "Huh. That's weird. Only, Vicky won a vacation to San Diego and this is the only contact information she gave us. Do you want it?" "Er... I dunno... maybe?"
He then proceeded to tell me the details, but it ends up I'm not qualified because I don't make enough annual income. Sort of stinky, because it was soo tempting. I really want to go to San Diego.
So, Supervisor has a statistics class that she's taking this semester so that she can get into grad school. When she got back from class today, I asked her how it went. "It was so bad!" she said. "We were talking about the syllabus but kept getting off topic because people would ask question. The professor finally said, 'OK, now where were we?' And is this bad? But my first thought was, 'In Hell!'" Ah, Supervisor. I love you.
I dropped a 40-50 pound box on my foot the other day. Then I dropped a chair on the same foot yesterday. Suffice it to say, my foot is now quite blue and swollen.
Honestly, life is getting to be far too complicated and stressful these days. If I don't post for a while, don't worry about me. I just need to adjust to things being the way they are and accept the fact that circumstances probably aren't going to change any time soon, if ever.
And, oh yeah. I’m off the meds again. It was reaching the point where having a seizure was a very high possibility, and if you’d seen me at all in the past week, you’d know what I mean. (Just take Tuesday’s level of shaking and multiply it by about 100, and you’ve got Wednesday’s condition.) So, anyway, I called Dr. Kroger up and was like, “Hey. I’m shaking really bad. Is this supposed to happen?” He said it certainly shouldn’t happen on the starting dosage and to stop taking it immediately. Now I’ve got to go about a week without anything in my system to clean it out so that I can start taking something new without worrying about the two mixing.
So, if you do chance to see me or even if this post comes off this way, while I’m really not feeling well (at all), I’m OK and I have been worse. The shakes are about gone now, and that’s really all I ask at this point. The rest I’ve lived with for 21 years and I think I can handle living that way again without anything to help me along. Just be… really delicate if you think you’d like to discuss certain topics with me as I’m prone to irritation.
Suggestions for getting pent-up emotions out of my system are welcome at this point.
"We need to build and strengthen one another. We must never lose sight of the fact that we are to 'succor the weak, lift up the hands which hang down, and strengthen the feeble knees' (D&C 81:5)."
"We have a tremendous responsibility. I do not hesitate to say that. So much depends on us. If not me, who? If not now, when? It is our job here and now to do our best to make a difference."
"Life is never a failure until we call it such. There are so many who need your helping hands, your loving smile, your tender thoughtfulness."
Look, everybody! I have the measles! (Excuse my swollen ankle and really unattractive legs.)
Actually, they're mosquito bites. So instead of dying from the measles, I'll just die from West Nile Virus. I've got 100 of them (yeah, I counted). Monk would be pleased.
