Monday, January 30, 2006
At least pressure makes you into a PERFECT basketcase, right? Seriously, though, should you be a praying person, I could use the help right now. Talk about panic attacks all day long. I'm starting to shake now.
On another note, it amazes me how I can have a perfectly normal, deep conversation with someone who I haven't spoken to much for months. It's sort of a relief, rather. Things are different between us, yes. But it's an OK sort of different.
I love how my grammer is totally incorrect. Well, more like the way I start my sentences. I use fragments a lot. Which is why I will never be an English major. Maybe a minor, though.
Tomorrow is going to be a long, stressful day. It is not one which I look forward to. I think I said that before, but I'm saying it again. It will be OK, though. Everything will turn out fine and be for the best.
Not to mention that Tim Burton's Corpse Bride will be released on DVD. I bet I could go down to Walmart right now and buy it. But I think I'll wait until after class. Go to class from 9-5, you know, and then run over to the Bishop's office and have him give me another blessing (hey, I need all the help I can get right now). Then it's a quick drive to get my movie. After that the pressure will really be on.
I should just stop thinking about it.
Anyway, off to read a bit more about patience before I go to sleep. If I can stay awake, that is.
Sunday, January 29, 2006
All men are dingbats. Ok, well, maybe not ALL, but most of them anyway. (No offence, but it's true.) And I'm dreading Tuesday. Besides the fact that Tuesdays last forever anyway, I've got the worst discussion of my life to face that night.
I don't want to love anymore. I want it to all go away because love hurts. But if I had it all to do over again, I'd probably still fall.
I guess I just need to learn to have more faith and hope and to trust and to be patient. That's what I'm learning.
And I hate bringing up the past, too.
This week will make me a stronger person, right?
Saturday, January 28, 2006
It's another one of those days when I feel ready to give up on relationships of any sort. I suppose I see now that I do need to learn patience. Still, it's not easy. Sometimes I wonder if I knew what I was getting myself into before I came to Earth. If I though it was going to be fair, then when I die I will be sorely dissapointed. Not that I plan on dying any time soon, of course. Just the same, life is far too difficult to deal with some days.
I could lay bare all my weaknesses to you and you would have complete power over me. I'm worse than Achillies in many ways.
One more day. I just have to take it one more day. And quit listening to love songs because they only make it worse (yes, I'm a love sick, single, two-decade old college student-practically.)
Image copyright Adele Sessler.
Friday, January 27, 2006
Gosh! So I was sleeping, you know? And then suddenly my phone starts ringing and I was really confused because I don't have class today. Yeah. It was Jackson. He thought it would be funny to call me at 6:30 and tell me that he is back in America. No idea where he's at, though. Says just barely he's got to board another plane.
So, I watched this Chinese movie last night called "The White Dragon." Hehehe. It was pretty funny. In a cheesy sort of way. But I like it anyway. If you watch it, don't expect too much out of it. Then you will enjoy it.
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Going back to bed for a few hours.
Wednesday, January 25, 2006
At this time of any given semester it is safe to assume that the parking lots are packed day in and day out. And so my point was proved when I was talking to EmmaLee this morning (she was 10 minutes late and still searching- she also confirmed the rumors to me, so now I know what is going on first hand... for the most part). This is why I don't drive until near the END of the semester. People are far too dedicated right now.
Speaking of being dedicated, Bishop came over about an hour ago and dedicated our apartment for us. It was quite nice of him to take time out of work to do that for us. I didn't even know one could have their apartment dedicated! There was a wonderful feeling of the Spirit, too. I am grateful.
Off to Piano, then. Yea................. We're "learning" chords. Too bad I already know them. Maybe Ruby will just think I'm a perfect student that studies hard. Hahahahaha.
Tuesday, January 24, 2006
The Leading Edge. Oh! I heart that place. I forgot how much I enjoy being there. And people actually sort of talked to me. I felt almost special.
It's been a long day today. I am ready for it to be over and I am so glad that it is! I just have a half an hour's worth of reading to do for New Testament, but that isn't bad at all. I decided to drop my Living Prophets class because there was way too much reading in there.
So, what does it mean when a guy asks his roommate for your number but runs away every time he sees you? I asked Jason this in HFL lab today and he didn't know the answer but rather thought it was strange.
Sad day. BYU isn't doing a Luau this year. And I was so looking forward to it. I guess I'll just have to look for next year or something.
Anyway, signing out!
Monday, January 23, 2006
So, I'm teaching myself to play "Nadia's Theme" from "The Young and the Restless" (isn't that a soap opera or something?) on the piano. It's a beautiful song, but a bit harder than what I am generally used to playing. I'll get it, though. It will just take a lot of practice and hard work. But then, the best things usually do in life.
Surprise, surprise. I decided to stay at Windsor Park next August. So, unless I get hit with a major revelation that I need to be somewhere else, this is where I'll be. Joy. I don't know how happy I am about it, but it will be easier than trying to find a nice place to live and moving all my junk again.I have a lot of stuff. Besides, Oksana isn't going to be here next year, so hopefully I'll get another cool roommate (she really doesn't like our landlord).
Apparently I'm beautiful and I need to start believing that. This is something which I find very difficult to comprehend. However, as it came from He that created me, I guess I should believe it. Still, it is a concept that is a bit mind-boggling for me.
Portfolio deadline is coming up! Better get working on that again. I can't decide if I should put something in that is tinted or not....
Saturday, January 21, 2006
I found some great pictures today. I hope you enjoy them.
Is it possible to be spiritually schizophrenic? No, seriously, is it? I feel like I have another entity forcing cohabitation within my singular body at times. But I can't quite place WHERE the second one is. Or, maybe, it's just my body speaking rebeling against me, but I don't think so. You see, Nicole and I went to the Provo Temple today to do Baptisms for the Dead. (It was a wonderful experience, as always, and one which we hope to repeat every Saturday afternoon at one o'clock. Even if it so happens that we are in St. George or some other location at the time- we're planning a road trip to my home sweet home, see.) It was then that I got to thinking. Pain isn't me. I don't like pain. I can feel myself screaming and pleading to escape from pain. But there is something or someone inside of me that LOVES to feel pain. This is something that is begining to give me rather a complex. I would like to feel at one with my body (or whoever else it is inhabiting said structure). Harmony is a good thing. It sounds better than when you sing off tune (that's a metaphor as well, in case you didn't catch it).
I've also been thinking about poor Nicole today.
How her 21 birthday is in less than three months and she's been on a total of... maybe 5 dates in her life.
Very well. I admit. I was thinking of myself, first, as usual. Less than four months and I'll be two decades old having gone on one real date ever. No, I don't feel pity for myself, only frustration that the future of my life seems to be at a stand-still and that it's not going anywhere any time soon.
Men have it so much easier, I think. While we women have to wait for our future to come to us, Men have complete control. All they have to do is find one which they can eternally love. Women have to sort through all the suitors and do all the dirtly work. I'm not sure that it is entirely fair. But then, I guess, if everything were fair than I never would have won MY way when playing Candy Land as a small child. (I confess. I used to stack the deck to get all the cool cards in order. With one or two normal ones in between just so the game would last longer. However, that was before I learned the error of my ways. I have since repented and made baptismal covenants.)
Oh, darn 11:00. And I was supposed to try to be alseep before then. Oh, well. I blame it on the laundry
Post Script: should you ever need demotivating sayings, I've got plenty. Or you can quite simply visit one of my favorite places on the web,
despair.com. (Yes, it's click-able.)
I've got this strange obsession with pain. Even Jackson has noticed it (of course, I didn't admit to it when he said it- I didn't say anything at all). I've got physical proof of my obsession. Luckily the scars are beigining to fade. And I've been banned from purposely adding new ones. So, instead I resort to tearing myself down emotionally. I'm very good at it. I also have an obsession for depressing, and occasionally tear-jerking movies. Like tonight Nicole and I watched "Breakfast at Tiffany's" and I am now watching "Finding Neverland," all though what I really want to watch is the 1997 Korean film, "The Letter." The only problem with my obsession is that it often times causes tears to form. And I HATE crying. It makes me feel weak.
I just don't like it when other people cause me to hurt, whether intentionally or not. If I hurt due to something someone else said or did then it tells me that my wall is not complete and that my heart is not well protected. For instance, tonight while visiting THAT BOY he kept talking about how he's got a girlfriend now. THAT HURT. I didn't want to hear it. But I put on a happy face as best I could and just tried to avoid talking about it.
Then I found out that R. got my phone number from him. I was like... Woah. Weird. No complaints because I think R. is incredibly attractive and I know he is a worthy Priesthood holder. I doubt he'll ever call, though. Unless THAT BOY says something to him.
And then I've got T-chan talking to me again. That sort of hurts, too. I used to trust her with my life, but now I'm very wary of her. I don't know what she wants from me anymore. When she talks to me she acts as if nothing ever happened. I don't know how she can forget, but I never will.
I think I annoy Nicole more often than she lets on. I think I annoy a lot of people, actually. Just a persistant thought that I've had for a good portion of the evening.
Getting ready to put my portfolio together. Hopefully they will let me into the program. Got reprints of my better negatives done today, so I just need to find out from Bekah precisely how to put them on slides and so forth. Or I can go into the VA department and ask. I'll have to find out this week.
Anyway, going to concentrate on my movie now. And then it's to bed. Going to do baptisms at the temple tomorrow.
Friday, January 20, 2006
I was thinking about Death today and how very inviting it is. Death is so... foreign and fascinating to me. Those who have encountered Death and left their legacy behind also fascinate me. I like Death. Call me strange and abnormal, but it's true. Ghosts enthrall me (but I don't talk about them. It invites a bad spirit). Ruins and artifacts do as well. So much so that they almost became a part of the rest of my life. If it had not have been for the boring lectures and ANTHR 210, I totally would be on my way to becoming the world's next greatest archaeologist. I'd go to Peru, and Mesa Verde, and Mexico, and Brazil- I'd go everywhere in the Americas. And possibly Europe. I like the castles, too. Asia also has a lot of potential for capturing my imagination. But not Africa. I find Egypt to be a bore.
I've come across my own share of Death, though, and I know how much it hurts to lose someone close to you. I also think that what you do in life will prepare you for what you will be required to do in Death. That's why I go on even when I don't want to.
I am the epitome of identity confusion. Who decides the individual we are, anyone? Is it one's self, or others telling one what one is to them? I'm still trying to muddle through that. Identity was a uch simpler thing when I was a child. And then I grew up some and it got all complicated.
Ever find yourself "dumbing down" your vocabulary so that others may understand you? I've noticed not my repetoire of words has dwindled since moving to Windsor Park. I think it's because I can't use "big words" around either of my roommates. Oksana knows enough English to express herself (but still messes up on occasion) and Nicole... well, I think she's just too ditzy. She gives me this confused look every time I utter a "big word." I have found it to be annoying. I miss my plethora of parols (or oral utternaces).
Wednesday, January 18, 2006
We're going on three. It seems as if I have a lot to say today. Maybe it's because I said so little last night and I say so little in real life that, after a while, it catches up with me and I just CAN'T HOLD IT IN ANY LONGER!
There is a new
Strong Bad Email out. Something about Creeping, Rusty Meat. Even though I detest that style of noise, I still find SB's mocking of it to be more than enjoyable.
I had my hair in braids today. And, because my hair was still wet when I was doing it, when I took the braids out my hair was all crimpy. Nicole took some "smashing" pictures of my lovely locks. They're a real hoot. I even managed to chuckle. (This is your cue to 'Oo' and 'Ah.') All sarcasm aside, I may post the better of the three just for the heck of it in one of my future blogs. That's assuming Nicole emails them to me.
I've been thinking a lot the past few weeks or so about my eternal companion (that I have yet to find). Maybe it's due to the BYU, "Happy Valley," Let's-go-get-married attitude that I'm surrounded by but, honestly, I think it's all due to the fact that for almost two decades I have been completely and utterley alone with only one or two close friendships to break the silence. No, I don't want sympathy or pity. It's meaningless, rather, and my loneliness is naught but a consequence of choices. But, that's off topic. What I'm talking about is "THE LIST." I think everyone must have a list, even if it isn't written down yet. Mine grows increasingly by the month, but I also start to cross things off that I don't NEED anymore (needs change, too, you know). I have a book of randoms that I keep my list in (as well as other things that I come up with on the spot. Usually I end up writing in it shortly after TLE or a long bout of reading Eva Ibbotson or Dianna Wynne-Jones).
- I want to dance. I've never really danced before, but I admit. In the quiet of my bedroom late at night with my door locked, curtains closed, and no one there to see me I'll often waltz to a beautiful, flowing tune. None of this "swaying" stuff. That's not dancing. That's like... an up-beat hippy listening to "Kumbia My Lord" on crack. And I'm not that into hippies.
- Shopping. Every girl likes to shop for herself. It's true. I have yet to meet a female that doesn't like to spend money on things she likes. And, while I would LOVE it if my EC would be willing to humor me while I shop for myself and come with, I'd also love it if I could go shopping with him and for him. I'm weird like that. I'd even be OK if Walmart was the limit.
- Let me be myself. I mutter things under my breath to myself all the time. And I've got a running commentary going on in my head 24/7/365 (or 366, if it's a leap year). I'm also very sarcastic to myself, especially when I'm out of the house and see something that a)amuses me or b)I think is incredibly stupid. Few people understand this relationship I have with myself. Basically, I guess, I just need someone who can accept it. And maybe be amused by it. I've also got a lot of other little quirks. What can I say? I'm OCD. Even my doctor says I am. (Lots of people claim to have OCD tendencies. I can actually lay claim to BEING Obsessive Compulsive.) I almost always have to have the item in the very back that hasn't been touched all the time. My desk has to be arranged just so. If there is a mess, it needs to be organized. EVERYTHING needs to be organized. My clothes are generally sorted by style and then color. My shoes are sorted by style and color as well. If it's the last band-aide in the box, I won't use it. I'll save it. If something is crooked, I've got to put it straight. Pens belong on PAPER, not people. And so on and so forth. Not to mention my eating habits (besides the disorder- I'm hoping to overcome that one). I think I'm one of the pickiest eaters on the planet. I like fresh, raw peas, but not cooked ones. I hate potatoes but I love potatoe chips and I will cook a potatoe if I have to. Same goes with tomatoes. Don't like them. Like Ketchup. Don't like Spaghetti Sauce on my spaghetti, but I use it in lasagna. Don't like Pizza sauce. Period. So just let me be me.
- I like to walk. It's good exercise. Not to mention a good coping activity where you can meditate and just enjoy nature. I've found myself missing the mile long walk I had to take last year to and from campus. Now I've got 2 blocks and I'm there. That is just not long enough.
- Parents. Gotta love 'im. If my parents don't like the guy, the relationship is basically doomed from the start. No pressure, though. My parents have yet to disagree with me about people I associate with.
My list goes on and on with simple, common knowledge sort of things (like being a gentleman and opening doors, or trying to stay in shape, being a RM, worthy Priesthood holder, take me to the Temple, Loyal, Considerate, Understanding, providing for my spiritual, physical, as well as emotional needs, and being at least somewhat romantic), but I'd hate to bore you with all that.
I'm thinking of maybe minoring in English. I love to read. While photography would be my life if I could afford it (and if I knew whether or not I had the talent for it), reading is my passion. And writing. However, I've come to a new conclusion (which is turning into a daily sort of event). Here it is: I hate showing people what I write. Novels and publishing and becoming famous always come up in conversation.
"Are you going to try and get published someday?" my sister might ask me.
"No," I'll say.
"Why ever not?" someone else inquires. "You're good enough." (I beg to differ, but I don't argue that point. What I do is never quite perfect enough for me.)
"Because," I respond, "I don't want to be famous. I like the shadows too much. I feel safe in the shadows. The brightness of fame is too blinding, to sharp, has too much vulnerablity. I'd much rather marry someone famous than be famous myself. And even another's fame is a little iffy for me." And that's the end of that. While they never seem to understand ("Everyone likes their 15 minutes of glory!") they at least let me alone.
I need to get my photography portfolio together. I've got all the negatives picked out, I just need to get reprints and put them on slides. Don't know how to do the latter part, but I'll ask Bekah. maybe tomorrow during TLE. Deadline to apply into the program is next month, so time is getting short. Procrastination, I have realized, is a bad thing. It makes my life more stressful which has the inevitable result of me getting VERY SICK. I can't afford to be sick again this semester. It's funny. 3 years of highschool and I didn't miss a single day. Then Sr year I get two ear infections in one day and miss a full week. Ever since then I seem to struggle with going to class every day. Last week for obvious reasons, but the worst part is that usually I just don't feel like going to class. That was last YEAR, though. I did pretty well fall '05.
Wow. After midnight already! I suppose I'd better head to bed, then. I've had my mug of hot chocolate so there's nothing left but to take my nutritional suppliment (since I don't eat, you know), my luvox (because I've OCD and frequently get depressed as well as anxious), wash my face, brush my teeth, read my BOM, write in my journal, and sleep. Although, I may end up just printing this off on smaller sized paper and gluing it in. I've been known to do that before.
I enjoy thoughts, comments, and ideas, so if you would acquiesce to my request, I'd love it.
P.S. Did I mention that I like a good foot massage?
MY BOOK CAME! (This is my happy thought for the day.) Oh, I HEART Jonathan Stroud. I say, how could you not? Ok, I've only read two of his books, but just the same. I HEART him. Bartimaeus is my favorite. I think everyone should read that series. Happy sighing occurs in me.
I actually made it to Piano today. First time all semester (not that classes have been going for very long). I was bored stiff. Let me tell you. I should prolly be in the next level up, but easy A, I guess. I just hope Ruby picks up the tempo soon. That was way too slow. I can't play that slow.
So, Live at the Terrace was... special. Some guy got up and started making dinosaur noises. It was then that I decided it was time to leave. He was pretty good at it, though. Not that I've ever heard what a real dino sounded like, but his impression resembled the sound effects of a dinosaur that you get in a movie. Such as Jurassic Park or Land Before Time (wait a minute... maybe not that one).
After I left the Terrace I went to the housing fair. There are a few apartments/condos that look satisfactory to me. I emailed two or three companies and hope to get a reply soon. Not sure if I really am leaving Windsor Park, but I don't like it here. Yes, I love having a master bedroom all to myself and the furniture is good quality (carpet isn't, of course), but I haven't been very happy here. I think the only thing that has kept me from selling my contract and moving back to the Omni is my bishopric. Bishop Bryant is THE BEST bishop I have EVER had (although, being a dutiful daughter, I will claim that my dad was really the best and that Bishop Bryant comes in at a close second). He has been pretty helpful to me so far this year. I need to go talk to him again, though. My moods are coming on more frequently. Also need to call Dr. Dymock again. I haven't seen him in over a month and I think I need to maybe. Don't have classes on Fridays, so maybe I will schedule for then. No way can I ever get in to see him on a Tuesday or a Thursday.
Did I mention to you how upset I was last night? It carried on through this morning. It's what got me in my mood. Mostly. There were other factors that played into it, but mostly it was due to a certain event. Ok. I'll tell you:
Nicole called me out last night durring the middle of an Oprah clip from Oprah's 20th thingy-ma-bopper and told me that I HAD to see it! It was about this lady named Rudine who died from Anorexia Nervousa. So we all know I have an eating disorder (and if you didn't know that then you must be new to my life or my blog). You think I'm going to take that well? I was rather hurt. And rather upset. I don't think Nicole even thought about it, though. I think she just wanted me to see the story. So I'm not very upset with her. Just a little.
This is often times why I don't trust people. It just doesn't work out very well. Someone always does something stupid like that. But I know I probably do the same thing. Well, no probably about it. I speak my mind. I say it like it is. No sugary goodness. I'm learning to hold my tongue, though.
You know what, though, it's not like I believe myself to be fat. I know full well that I am far from fat. That I could use another 15 pounds on my body and still be OK. But I'll be truthful. I remember weighing 95 and I find it's a weight I liked. It's not healthy, though, and I know that. 110 is healthy for someone my height and age. I fear, though, that should I ever weigh much more than 110 I will find myself in a world of hurt, the pain of which will be brought on by my own doing.
But at least I am admitting to these things now, yes?
So Jackson this morning, in the very thick of my mood, told me that I'm a "very cute girl." Define "very cute," please. I believe he meant well about it. I suprised him, though, when I told him he is the first person to tell me that. Oh, sure. Parents say it all the time. Parents don't count. If they say their child is ugly then they are calling themselves ugly. Girlfriends don't count, either. You can never trust what one girl says to another regarding outward appearences. So, taking all that into accoung, Jackson is the first person to truthfully speak such words to me (I know him well enough by now to know that he would avoid the subject entirely if he couldn't speak nicely about it).
I need to start writing again. Blogging and daily journal keeping just isn't enough. The Rainman calls to me, but I just don't have the time, energy or ability right now to put it all on paper (or computer, as the case may be). The Nexus of Time also screams to be edited and finished, but I just can't do it right now. I haven't got the experiences I need for that one (if you know my life you will see that I write it into my stories very carefully). But I did write another poem the other night. Poetry takes less energy and comes to the fingertips like dew on rose petals in a springtime morning. Poetry is the song of my heart. Generally not the happiest music, but it is still music.
I feel like there were other things I was going to say, but they seem to have escaped the cage of my mind. I'll have to track them down and trap them in writing at a later period. For now, though, I desire dinner. (Well, my stomach does. My mouth does not.) Plus I am suddenly VERY tired. I should go to bed tonight. After I read for Bro. Parker's class. Tomorrow is going to be another long day. I have to, HAVE to, go to TLE. I promised Bekah, for one, and I AM taking it for credit so I really should go so that I can get my free 'A.' There is little better in this world than an automatic 'A' from BYU, if you know what I mean.
Food! I come to find you now!
Club Omni DIED! Not that I ever went there, but I always felt some connection to it last year just because I lived at the Omni. Now it's a... what did they just tell me it is... a Plasma Center! Ewwwwwww. I bet that they just moved. But Plasma of all things! Yeah, some people just came into the Terrace to ask me if I wanted to make $200 a month by donating plasma. I was like... Yeah. Right. Sure. Me, the girl who has an iron defficiancy, an eating disorder, and doesn't even way 110. Me, the girl who about passes out just at the mention of needles or doctors or hospitals or even DENTISTS. Sure. I'll donate. If you really want me to. NOT. They wouldn't let me, anyway. I have unhealthy plasma.
The new battery to my computer is very impressive. It still has... like... an hour left on it. I've been using it for an hour already.
BUT I've got a paper to finish.
Tuesday, January 17, 2006
The day is finally over. That's my happy thought. No, it wasn't all bad. Yes, I did enjoy bits of it. Yes, I managed to be "happy" while on campus (at least on the surface).
I am irritated. If you're going to go to the effor to ask me a question (such as what is wrong) then you should at least wait for an answer. Or ask again if the discussion is interupted before I can answer. I've had enough of being ignored like that in the past week. I don't need it anymore. But then, I guess I should be used to it. It's not like people ask after me often anyway or even care. I don't blame them. I don't care.
Bah.
Humbug.
If I were to die tomorrow, I'd be OK with that. I'd be happier. I wouldn't be ignored anymore.
Sorry. Can't do this tonight. It's got to go into the real journal. Where it will be permanent and there for no one to see but me myself and I. This is too personal a subject. I just needed to rant a bit.
Monday, January 16, 2006
Ok, the ten thing? Yeah, it's just not working. Maybe one happy thought a day.
I have more thoughts now. My headache is gone after some major medicating (Zomig-costs a fortune and thus I only use it when I feel like dying).
I finished "My Name is Asher Lev" which, as it's for a class, is surprising. But I LOVE Chaim Potok and, what can I say. Saw it as a "text" and just couldn't help myself. We're not even supposed to start the darn thing until this week. Ended badly. Well, not badly, really, but in a manner which was not healthy for the mood I'm in. I needed a happy ending tonight and I didn't get one. I suppose that's how life goes, though. Seems that happy endings only happen in fairy tales and so forth. Or on days when you're already happy and don't actually NEED it to end in like manner. But, I still loved the book. I relate to Asher. More than I'd like to, perhaps, but I still relate. To his feelings. To his thoughts, some of them. Such as The world is not a pretty place. The world is not nice. We walk the decades. Things like that. I highly recommend reading it. You should read "The Chosen" as well. Same author.
I find myself to be thinking a lot these past few days. I've come to a few conclusions. I don't trust people anymore (yes, I may have said this. I tend to be a broken record and repeat myself often). I feel like I'm building this wall around my heart. I don't want to be loved anymore. Except, that's a bit of a lie. But I say it because I'm afraid of getting hurt or hurting those who do love me (which I don't believe there to be many of those, but it's all good). Instead I just hurt myself. It's a daily ritual now, I think. No, no more visible scars. I'm done with that (even though I occasionally wish I wasn't). I just tear myself to shreads mentally and emotionally. I don't need others to do it and I don't want others to do it. So I avoid them now. I'm crawling back into my little hidey-hole. I could stay in my room by myself with little to no contact from the outside world and I don't think it would matter. People don't actually NEED me. I want to feel needed. I crave it. And because I know that I'm not needed, I feel as if it is better if I just stay out of the way. The world doesn't need me. It requires nothing from me. There is nothing I can do for the world. (Yet. Someday I will. I don't have enough yet.) I think, for the most part, that every person I have ever met would be just as fine or better off if I hadn't have entered into their lives.
Yes, I'm in a mood. Still.
I've also decided that I am far too serious. I don't REALLY laugh. I don't remember the last time I did, to be honest. And I suppose Jackson is right. I don't smile enough, either. And don't, DON'T give me that garbage about "you should never frowb because you never know who is falling in love with your smile." Nicole did today. Had I not have realized she was trying to help, I would have torn into her about it. But I'm trying to be nicer. I'm not a nice person.
I wrote this poem. It was all symbolic and meaningful yet hidiously dark at the same time. Then it died when I hit the submit button (was on DA). I was NOT happy. And it's not something that I can redo, you know? I am not capable of writing the same things twice when they come from my heart.
Ok. Need to write in my REAL journal now, read the Book of Mormon, and go to bed. It's going to be a VERY long day tomorrow.
Mine lovely lambykins (which can also be viewed
here).
I am in a rotten mood. I have a headache. Classes tomorrow.
Good things:
Only three days of class this week
Dad is going home (has been in New York)
I bought three books today to read for FUN
I bought two movies today
Corpse Bride comes to DVD on January 31
My room is sort of clean
My hair is soft
I haven't seen Oksana yet today
I was able to take a nap
Nicole emailed me those pictures.
Sunday, January 15, 2006
I'm wishing I would have said like... one happy/thankful thought. But I said ten, so I'll stick to my guns and do ten.
Humidifiers are nice. Clay is fun to work with. I have a talent with clay. The Tabernacle choir sings beautiful and look like angles. My orchid is not yet dead and I have found a way to (hopefully) strengthen it a bit. Jackson emailed me back. Snow is beautiful. There are no classes tomorrow. Mother was able to make it home safely. The kitchen is cleaner.
My project that I've had planned for like... months, is now a third of the way finished. I have been wanting to make this sculpture of a lamb (representing me) being held by the Savior's hand(s). The lamb is now finished. Spent a good three hours on it tonight. Borrowed Nicole's digi camera and took a few shots of it. As soon as she emails them to me I will post them at my gallery (
http://katria-ly.deviantart.com). It's wonderfully cute. I must say, I am well pleased. The lamby-kins itself is all rather symbolic. If you are interested in the symbolism after I post the pictures, ask and you shall know. And so forth.
Went shopping with my mother this weekend. Much fun. Got a few clothes and some jewelry and hair things. Basically, though, I just had fun spending time with my Mom. Dad and Melissa have been in NY and Mom didn't want to be home alone, so.
Snowed some today. It was really lovely. I think I said something to that effect, but I'm saying it again.
I have decided that it is a good thing happiness isn't limited to the beautiful. If it was, I would be doomed.
I think I'm done now. I fried my brain emailing Dale. I swear, I have never sent an email THAT LONG.
Thursday, January 12, 2006
I heart Johnny Depp, Tom Cruise is some delicious eye candy, and my feet feel pretty.
I bought a pink hippo at the bookstore today, made it to all of my classes, had an awesome time in HFL Lab, and got a sweet foot massage.
I can Breathe again, I have a very angular face, my bruise is fun to play with, and I have been completely alert all day today.
These are my happy thoughts. I need to think of at least.. umm...ten every day I post starting now. I thought of eleven today. If I happen to miss a happy session in a posting day, please alert me so that I may correct my error.
I love someone now and for always. I always heard that the truth will set me free, but it hasn't yet. I wonder when it ever will?
I want to go to Machu Pichu. Like, really badly. Sometiems I wish that I would have been born into a family with more money just so that we could do things like that. Instead every penny my parents have that doesn't go towards food and bills goes towards my education. I need to find a job so that I may help out. I don't like living so tight. Plus my sewing class is going to cost bucket loads in materials this semester.
Jackson thinks I should smile more. I admit, I do not smile very often. Usually it's just a blank look that takes no effort to give. I don't like my smile, though, and rarely do I find something to smile about. I'm too pessemistic. I need to change that. He also thinks I should eat more. And I know I should, but I don't like eating so I don't choose to. But maybe I will start up again for a while. Something Jeff said sort of struck me today along the lines of eating. I'm going to be stuck with my body until the day I day, so shouldn't I try to invest in it and take better care of it? The answer to that is, of course, yes. And it's going to be one heck of a job keeping at it. I will have to become more aware of what my body tries to tell me.
I wish I knew what to do about the whole Tanya situation. I'm so confused about it. I should talk to my Bishop and see what he has to say. He's an inspired man and is basically the next best thing I've got to my father. I also need to ask him what the Lord wants me to do about a certain someone.
Speaking of a certain someone, I'm thinking about having another DTR talk. Or DTF, if you prefer (Define The Friendship). I need to know what he gets out of it, if it is positive or negative, and if I'm holding him back from further progress. I should have asked tonight, but Karl was in the room. Did wash some dishes for him, though.
I should clean my room tomorrow and wash my own dishes. Yusyus.
And now I am really tired and having a difficult time seeing to type because my eyes keep closing on me. So Sleep well, world. While you are not pretty, the Earth is.
... begins now. No classes tomorrow or any other Friday of the semester and classes are cancelled Monday in observance of Martin Luther King Jr. Day.
I'm exhausted. My eyes want to just close and I want to fall to sleepy-bye. But it's still so early! not even eight yet.
Am feeling rather better today. I can breathe with limited pain and my back hasn't been bothering me too much. The bruise on my left arm is ginormous, though, and it's been bothering me off and on all day. It's getting bigger and turning into many different shades of blue and green and yellow. Sort of gross.
Am confused tonight. Rather. Like rather and very.
My sewing lab is going to be totally rocking. I even know a few peoples in it.
Tired now. Maybe I'll take a little nap. I haven't anything else to say, anyway. Except that I can feel my depression bubbling up to the surface like it's lava in a volcano.
Wednesday, January 11, 2006
Woah. Wacky weirdness. So I got on here just barely and I was like, "What the freak? I posted once already today? Oh, well. I'll post again anyway!" So, as you can see, I was still not alert when I posted. And chances are I'll have forgetten in the morning about this post since I just took another Lortab. You know, you can get anything out of me when I'm like this. Last night I still had SOME control of what I said for a little while, but now I don't think I do. Not really, anyway. Especially not in blogging. So beware, weird things might be coming out of my keyboard.
You know, I'm starting to feel like a druggy because I've been taking so many pills the past five, six days or so. It's no fun.
Anyway, I remembered a few things more about what the good doctor said to me yesterday. I have Pleurisy. They think. But they don't know for sure. It's very painful and I wish I could lay down and die for a while. Will know for sure if it is pleurisy if it goes away within a week. If it doesn't go away then it is prolly something more serious. Or they will do more tests. I was reading up a bit on pleurisy and I decided that it sounds scary (the tests) and I don't want any doctors to come near me ever again. Just let me die next time, k?
Lots of bruises on my arms. I'm very wary of people coming near me because I basically don't want anyone to touch me AT ALL (unless you're going to give me a foot massage. My back could use some popping, too, but the pain involved on the OTHER side of my back might kill me in the process. ie, having pressure put upon my back will also put pressure on my chest. So we'll avoid the latter).
I think maybe I am going to visit my mother this weekend, but I don't know for sure. Find out tomorrow if any of the flights are open. Need to go to the bookstore again and get another book. I feel so bad, though, because I missed all of my classes today. I'm such a bad student. This is the worst way ever to start a semester. Missed TLE Tuesday as well and I am taking it for two credits this semester. I hope I am able to go next week if I can't make it tomorrow or Saturday.
Raining tonight. I love the rain. But it's sort of bumming me out and reminding me of what my life was like LAST time it rained. While it was nice and stuff, it was also rather depressing. And I'm already a bit bummed out over a relationship with Jackson. I told him tonight when I called him that it was the last time EVER that I was going to bother him. I don't think he caught that part because he wasn't really listening to me. But whatev. I just need to get over the past. I dwell on it way too much. I think it might help me heal if I don't have contact with him for a while. Or it might make matters worse.
You know, I was talking to Alice today in the car (and I decided that I am not capapble of driving right now) and she was worried about her commitment issues that she has and I was like, "I wonder if I will have commitment issues if I ever get the chance?" And she's like, "You'll get a chance. Don't worry about that." And then she proceeded to tell me about her best friend, Andrea, and how Andrea dated only one guy really and they ended up getting married and how happy she is now. I do want that to happen to me, you know? Because I don't deal well with heart ache or with being stabbed in the back. I get suicidal, to be blunt and honest about it. But I don't think I'll be getting married any time soon. I don't date and I don't really want to date, but I long for love and all that comes with it (well, maybe not ALL, at least not until I really am married, if you get my drift).
There's a "him" that I need to stop loving. But I don't know how. Help? It's been suggested to me that I remind myself of all his bad points. I have yet to find anything that's "bad." No, he's not perfect, but I feel as if he is perfect for me. I'm sure I could get the same qualities from another man, but I want it all in him, from him.
It's not his fault though. He's done everything he can to discourage me short of making me hate him. He's very careful of my feelings. He knows what they are or at least what they were last March (which was basically the lowest my life has ever reached. Not his fault there, either. Entirely my own.)
Sometimes I hate being female just because I feel as if I have limited control over my life. Know what I mean? I'd make a horrible male, though. I'm quite girly.
I think I'm still in shock over everything. My temperature has been going up and down like no other (hold on. Pain attack...... dieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee Ok. I can breathe again. Sort of.) Yeah, so it was around 97.5 a few times yesterday and got up to 99.0 tonight. I wonder if I am fighting some virus off or something. Or maybe it's just because of my ears (I've got fluid built up behind my ear drums). Either way, it's no fun whatsoever. Now I'm at 98.1 again. I don't think I am hardly ever at 98.6. Yeah, kay, enough about my health. It's not important, really.
Hoodwinked comes to theaters this Friday. I want to go. With Jackson. He said he'd go with me back when I was struggling last month. It was last month, yes? December? Yeah, I think so. That sounds about right.
It's scary, I can feel all those same emotions lurking below the surface. I think the only thing keeping them down is the Lortab I'm on and the shock I've gone through. Once those wear off, I'm doomed. I can tell. It's going to be crying every night again and sitting in my room with the door closed almost all day. No contact with anyone. Thinking about death and how I almost wish I hadn't promised the Lord that I will endure to the end. That's how I get. But I always keep my promises. Always always.
Woah-ah. My brain is doing this wonky fuzzy thing and my fan looks really funny. I'm starting to things see that aren't there. Wait. Did I say that right? Things see... umm... see things. Yeah. Maybe. Blahhhh. I hate how Lortab makes it hard to think.
Weidness of the weirds. EmmaLee actually taked to me for a whole five minutes today! Maybe even eight! I was like, WOW!!! She never talks to me anymore and I don't know why. It ames me sad, though. I mean, makes me. (I should go back and just make the corrections, but I figure you need some entertainment and it might be fun to laugh at me.)
Oh, guess what! My lab, my lab, my lab! It's with Alice. I'm so happy. I'll have a friend in one of my classes! And we can like, go together and stuff! I really should have done the reading for HFL, but I have been lacking in energy. Blahhhhhhhh.
I know I need friends, more of them, but I'm scared. It's easier for me to love people when I know they can't hurt me. Easier for me to do service for them when they can't hurt me. Which really doesn't make any sense whatsoever.
K, I think this is prolly long enough for you. Plus I still need to write in my real journal and read my Book of Mormon (I heart that book. I think it's my favorite ever.)
Leave comments to tell me how weird I am. And give me your sympathy if you have any. Or your suggestions on how to make my life easier. Because I seem to be really good at complicating it.
They thought I had a blood clot in my lungs which could have been rather fatal if it hadn't have been caught. So I had a CT scan yesterday- IV and all- and they found.... NOTHING!! Good news, yes, but they still don't know what is causing all this pain. Admittedly, it is a tad better this morning, but that may be due to the Lortab I'm taking. I don't remember much of anything about last night, either. It's sort of freaky. I remember going to Walmart.... I remember I went to Jackson's and thinking things that I'm trying to teach myself not to think about him anymore... Then I remember I saw Alice and she said to call her, but I don't remember why I'm supposed to call her. And I know I took a shower last night, but that's it. Don't remember anything else.
Didn't even make it to my first class today because my brain was so fogged up. I feel rather bad about that since it was only the second day of class! I guess I'll email Sister Woodger and explain to her that I've been in the hospital and that I'm on Lortab so I couldn't function this morning. Ask her if I missed anything Vital. It's all important.
We have a winter storm warning in effect here. I like the snow. Just so long as there isn't too much of it.
OI am I dizzy! Gwahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh....................... and I tell you also that I hate the dye stuff that they inject into your blood stream when the doctor asks for a contrast in your CT scan. Yus. Don't like it. Made me feel like I was about to pass out, which I already felt that way anyway, but I couldn't control it and usually I can a bit.
Both of my arms are achy from the needles. I think I need to stop typing now. I should prolly get dressed and get ready for my class at 2 as well. Yus yus.
Monday, January 09, 2006
HELP ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sunday, January 08, 2006
So I was on hotmail emailing my dad this link to a calander that my mom wants when I saw this thing from MSN today about depression. Being one who suffers a great deal from the disease I decided to click on it. Apparently the best way to treat someone's depression (if you're like their friend or something) is to treat them like a dog. Seriously. Take them on walks three times a week for at least 3o minutes. Better get a bigger leash. And watch out for my teeth. I bite.
Feeling worse a bit. I think I'm going to have to go back into the InstaCare tomorrow. Not only did my chest pain get worse last night, but my back is REALLY bad, my neck is starting to hurt, and I was running a bit of a fever last night and this afternoon. No good.
Classes start tomorrow. My schedule? Good question!
Monday, Wednesday Schedule
10:00 AM- REL C 333 (Teachings of the Living Prophets or something like that)
2:00 PM- MUSIC 113 (Begining Piano)
3:00 PM- HFL 185R (Begining Clothing Construction Lab. I don't think I will attend that one tomorrow)
Tuesday, Thursday Schedule
9:00 AM- REL A212 (second half New Testament)
10:00 AM- STDEV 115 (Life Planning and Decision Making)
12:00 PM- HFL 185R (Begining Clothing Construction lecture)
3:00 PM- EXSC 150 (Begining Ice Skating, Tuesdays only- may end up dropping next week if I don't like it. It's only half a credit)
Friday Schedule
SLEEP IN! And homework. No classes.
So, like, I've had this story idea for a few months now, but I don't quite know how to go about starting it or anything. I want to do something on a Rain Man and it's going to all be rather symbolic and about my life and stuff. But I want it to be the sort of symbolism where, if you don't get it, it's still a good story anyway. I don't know, though. I'm so out of practice. Should anyone actually be reading this, I'd rather like your opinion, thoughts, and ideas on the matter.
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!! There are a few things in my life I have just GOT to get over. I think I'm doing fine and then I'll have a major relapse. It's awful. I wish that I knew how to make myself stop loving. Alice told just before Christmas break that it isn't so much I have to stop loving, just find someone I can love more. Which presents another problem as I've got a tough shell to crack. I mean, seriously, I just don't trust people anymore. Not very easily, anyway. I'm afraid of making new friends because I'm worried I'll just get stabbed in the back again when I LEAST need it. Just like this past September. That wasn't the first time, either. And it's always those whom I consider to be my best friends. ALWAYS. Without fail. I've gotten wary of others in my old age.
Ok. Basically I'm having a hard time sitting up now. Very painful. I think maybe I'm hungry, too, but food will have to wait until morning. It's strange, you know. I haven't felt hungry in a long time.
A'ight. Take care, all. And get a life. You must have been pretty bored if you've read clear to the end! (Either that or I'm more entertaining than I thought.)
Saturday, January 07, 2006
Man, is it early. I woke up in uber pain and couldn't fall back asleep. Thus my posting of bloggage. Haha. Nice vocabulary I have at five something in the morning. I think I've been awake for about an hour now.
So I went to the InstaCare yesterday, right? Alice came with me for moral support and in case I ended up being to woozy to drive after my visit with the good doctor. Anyway, so we decided to go to P.F. Chang's afterwards for dinner and Alice kept saying how much she wanted to meet Jackson, so I called him up and invited him while we were in the waiting room (there were quite a few people there). Jackson was on his way to the doctor when I called him to get his bandages changed (ewwwwwwwww! Gross story behind that) and told me to call him when I got done. Who walks in the door five minutes later? Chya! So random. Did NOT expect that. I got called back to the doctor's first, but Jackson got done before me. Not sure why he waited with Alice, but he did. So we all went to eat. The dork wouldn't let me pay for my portion of the bill, though. I don't know why he's so nice to me. I don't deserve it. Now I don't know what to do to repay him. I seem to be always in his debt. Had to call him again last night around 11. I could hardly breathe and I was in mui mucho pain (sort of like now). No Priesthood bretheren are back yet that I've noticed in my ward. So Jackson and Ryan (Jackson's roommate-the only semi-normal one. Don't know much about him) came over to give me a blessing. Poor Jackson. Too him five minutes to work his arm up (literally up) so he could reach to give the blessing.
Funny how blessings work. It's like you already know what's said and just need to hear it or something. At least, that's the way it generally is with me. Sometimes I get a few surprises. Like last year when Biker Joe had to give me a blessing. I miss him.
Nicole's flight lands around four this afternoon. Alice is going to go pick her up. There is no way I could drive to Salt Lake in the state I'm in. I'd prolly pass out at the wheel and cause a major accident. Not real sure how I'm going to make it down to the pharmacy later this morning.
Also need to go through all my negatives sometime in the near future. Get reprints and stuff so I can put together a portfolio. Bekah said she'd help me out. I really hope I can get into the photography department. I LOVE photography. As of now, anyway.
Stop me if I've said this already (oh, wait, you can't hahaha)- went and bought most of my textbooks on like... Wednesday? Yeah, that sounds right. Anyway, so I had to return one of them yesterday because I dropped the class (no way am I taking math this semester) and I added another class so I needed to get those books, too. Turns out, though, that it is cheaper for me to take the class I added than it would have been to take the class I dropped just because of the price on books.
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!! My back's acting up again. It was doing fairly OK for a while. Seems as if I just can't sit for very long. This is the worst pain I have ever had to endure. I can't even do anything about it, you know? At least not right now. Need to go get my antibiotic. Bacterial infection that has settled into my chest.
I don't want to be alone anymore. I don't want to be patient anymore, either. That "patience is a vurtue" thing just does not run in my family. At least not on my dad's side which is the side I am most like.
Ow. I have GOT to lay down again. Or is it lie down? No matter, you get the point and I say to heck with grammer at 6 am.
Friday, January 06, 2006
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!! I can't even describe the pain! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Kill me now, please! Suffocating! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh!
But, seriously, my chest is REALLY sore. It hurts to breathe and then it hurts worse not to breathe and then it hurts worse because I wasn't breathing... Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh! I don't even have any thing to take for this kind of pain. Tylenol won't do it. Alieve won't do it. Sudaphed's not gunna help. The end of the drugs I can take.
Good thing I left Jackson's when I did. There is no way I'd be able to drive now. I'm like... really dizzy and shaky and just plain sore. I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm terrified of the doctor but I had probably ought to go in. I suspect it might have something to do with my anorexic tendencies, though. Eating dissorders are addictive, don't let anyone tell you otherwise because they'll be lying through their teeth. Or it could have something to do with my anxiety issues again. Or possibly depression. Heck, I'm just a living pile of emotional garbage that needs to be thrown out.
The shock of last night is getting to me as well. I hurt emotionally now, too, which hasn't really been a problem for the past two weeks. It just came on suddenly a few hours ago; I wanted to curl up into a little ball and just be invisible. Which I sort of was. And that didn't help matters any because no matter how badly I yearn to not be seen, I still want to be noticed. At least a little bit. Does that even make sense?
Aiaiai. I think I'll see what happens if I go pass out in bed for a while. If I even can. But Oksana's not home tonight to keep me up, so. I wonder where she went, anyway? Eh. I'll see her soon enough.
Ciao world of internet peoples that don't even read this
Wednesday, January 04, 2006
Sudaphed messes with your head. Seriously, it does. I hate being sick. I got a cold over Christmas break and now it's getting worse. i've had it for like... almost a week now. Yuck. I need to not be sick anymore.
Speaking of Christmas.... It was pretty awesome! Not like I really got much, but that's not the point. I just love Christmas.
Got back to Provo Monday afternoon. I think my orchid is going to die, which makes me sad because I really REALLY like orchids. But maybe it will perk up some more. Pray. Hard. My five shoots of bamboo seem to be doing OK, though, and the ones that were sickly when I got them are starting to look healthier.
Anyway, time to relax again. I'm getting really shakey and stuff.
