My creativity is running a little thin these days. I don't really know what to blame that on; probably my job and the fact that I feel trapped in my current life-state situation and that I feel like I have little to no control over what's going on.
P.S., this is probably not going to be one of my happiest posts, so if you're getting sick of these, then I'd go read something else if I were you.
I'm leaving for Cougar Town again tomorrow. Probably early afternoon, maybe late morning if I get moving early enough. It's hard for me to believe that it's already been a week since I was up there last.
And I've come to the conclusion that I'm probably not going to wait for the trial month of this Lexapro to be up before I call my doctor. I've noticed this past week that I'm fast sliding back to the state I was in this past January before the initial drug switch. I've been in a lot of physical pain and I'm having a really hard time staying pleasant for long periods of time. Not to mention that being with people for even an hour just wears on me and I'm exhausted all the time. Of course, I'm not getting any sleep, either, and I'm sure that has something to do with the exhaustion, but I also attribute that problem to the drug. This may or may not be the case, but I can think of nothing else to pin it on. Also, I haven't been eating more than one meal a day for quite a while again. This is usually a sure sign to me that my depression is coming back full force. Food does not entice me in the least bit. I could care less about anything edible. They had donuts and chips with salsa at work today because one of the morning girls is leaving tomorrow. I didn't eat any of it. I didn't want it. I just sat in my little corner, typing away for four hours not saying a word unless I had a question on what something said (mechanics do not have the best handwriting ever).
Problem is, though, that I don't know if drugs are even ever going to help me out. I just can't help but doubt lately. I'm afraid of so many things right now. I'm afraid of change. I'm afraid that I'm going to botch this chance, too, and that I'll be alone forever. I felt so much hope on Sunday after I talked to my bishop and he gave me a blessing, but now it's gone. All of it. I haven't talked to SL since that day and now I'm concerned. I don't know what I did, but I feel like I must have done something wrong. I'm such a worry-wort. I honestly don't think anyone deserves having to deal with my emotional baggage. I'd not wish it upon anyone by any means.
I'm so afraid right now. I'm afraid because I know I'm falling in love with him, and, as much as I want to, I don't. I don't want to be hurt again. I don't know that I could take it. I'm afraid of what would happen if I was hurt again, that maybe I'd just give up and go off the deep end. Essentially, I'm afraid to trust him and that is the root of the problem. Last time I trusted someone, they ripped my heart out of my chest, tore it into a million pieces, and scattered them all over, stomping on them afterwards. Last time I trusted someone, they turned on me and started spreading hateful stories about me around other mutual friends. That was last time I trusted someone. That was more than two years ago, yet even that trust was wavering.
I want to trust him, but I want the guarantee that he's not going to hurt me. I want to know that he'll protect me at all costs and that he will trust me to not hurt him. And I'm afraid to trust him because what he's said in the past and the way that he acts are totally not in accord with each other. I don't know which one he really means.
Krishna asked me earlier if I was actually falling in love with him or with the physical relationship. I thought of this earlier, a few weeks ago, really, so I didn't have to think long today. I'm 100 percent probably sure that I'm falling in love with him. I just feel so... I don't really know how to explain it. But when I'm with him I feel like I can take off my mask and just be myself and not worry (it's when I'm not with him that I have the problem). I don't feel like I have to be in pain to protect myself from him. In fact, for the first time like... ever, I don't want to be. I don't feel like I need to hurt myself to get his attention. When I'm with him, people don't scare me so much. I feel like I can get out of my shell a little bit. When I'm with him, I feel like I don't have to worry so much. Fewer things bother me; the world doesn't have to be perfect because he's there and that's enough. When I'm with him, it doesn't bother me so much that my roommate is a slob and that Management is annoying. When I'm with him. That's the problem. I'm not with him right now and I don't know when I will next see him or talk to him or hear his voice.
I need a vacation. From my life, from my issues. Problem is, wherever I go, so do they. I don't know how to just let them go. Get rid of them. You know? They've been a part of my life far longer than even I can possibly imagine (my mother told me a story about when I was 2 last night that proves I've had anxiety disorders since forever) that I don't even know what life is like without them.
Sorry I'm such a sap. I guess we all have our days, eh?
P.S. This "save now" button seriously keeps throwing me off. Get rid of it, Blogger!
My dearest cousin tagged me over at her blog, so here we go.
The rules: Each person tagged gives 7 random facts about themselves. Those who are tagged need to write on their own blog those 7 facts as well as the rules of the game. You need to tag seven other people and list their names on your blog.
I love to count and lists make me happy.
I physically need things to be straight and well organized or I start to panic. Alphabetized goes without saying.
When I am really stressed out/annoyed/ticked off, I take my frustrations out on my living atmosphere by cleaning it until I feel like I'm going to fall over.
I started reading high-school level books in the fifth grade
My current dream vacation is somewhere in Nevada (not telling you where, but I can guarantee it's not Vegas).
I despise the newest Window's Media Player update and wish it would die and go back to the old one.
Sometimes I think I'm a year older than I really am.
Tag, you're it! (Most specifically I want to hear from My K, Noelle, Matt, th., Tolkers, Master Fob, Edgy, and Krishna.)
I promised Krishna I'd give details about my new job as soon as I found out what I did. There's actually quite I lot that I can't really say online or in print as a general rule without risking termination. It's a business thing, you know? Still, Co-workers are cool. Sort of. Most of them. I actually already knew quite a few of them from trips that I've gone on with them in the past. We have a community trough in which, as the little piggies that Airline is known to keep, everyone in my department comes and gorges their faces whenever they need a break. Needless to say, there was always someone in my area and it was sort of hard to concentrate. Plus I hate, HATE desk jobs, so it was already hard for me to stay motivated.
My mother didn't realize I felt so strongly about it until today and apologized for pressuring me into taking the job. Apparently she just wanted to make sure that I had a life this summer when, in reality, it was taken from me the moment I agreed to work.
See, here's the thing. I like to sleep in. Noted, that doesn't happen anymore because I have been, lately, lucky to get 4 hours of sleep in one night; usually this sleep comes after 2 am. Not cool. Anyway, then I've got my morning routine which consists of reading The Board, some blogs, checking email, facebook, and occasionally chatting with people that happen to be online. I also tend to practice the piano in the mornings. And, of course, showering and general good grooming habits also ensue around this time of day. Afternoons at home consist of running errands with Cherish and her small child, being crafty with her, or running around town by myself. When I'm in Cougar Town my afternoons are usually full of running around taking care of business and spending time with friends/roommates (when I'm getting along with them or they are, at the very least, not driving me insane). Now that I've got my job, I have to work from 1-5 at least (I should work longer, but I don't know that I will ever), which sort of takes control over the entire afternoon and leaves me with no time to do what I want to do. Dinner's going to be ready by the time I get home every day, and after that it is generally expected that I stay home and spend time with the fam. Especially since by this time of day most of my pals, including Cherish, are busy with their own families.
I feel my few, rare moments of privacy have now dropped down to no rare moments of privacy except when I should be sleeping. You can, then, see my annoyance about having this job.
Not to mention that I hate, HATE desk jobs! (Did I mention that I hate desk jobs? Because I do. I hate desk jobs.)
Anyway, work consists of typing up C-checks for Airline, which means deciphering crummy handwriting as well as spelling and trying to get used to a keyboard that does not belong to me and that I do not like because it is laid out slightly different than the one on my Toshi.
Don't get me wrong. It's not a bad job. In fact, if you were the type of person who doesn't mind desk jobs, it would probably be one of your favorites. I know that most people who work at Airline firmly believe that my department is the funnest one to work in, so I hold a well-coveted position. But still. It is a desk job and I feel like I'm back to grading quizzes again. Only it's slightly worse than that.
I have an inkling I'm going to hate my life during the week and be so anxious for the weekend that it will probably spoil the weekend, too, because I'll worry about going to work every Monday instead of enjoying my time of relaxation.
Man alive. I wish I was still in Cougar Town right now.
My K, I just have to say again how much I love you and that I want everyone to know how incredibly awesome you are, especially for giving me Jack Sparrow as a consolation present for being an old maid.
Yes, I have seen Pirates 3. Yes, I love it. Yes, I still like the first one best.
And, as another note, my internet works! Of course, that could have something to do with the fact that I am back home.
Also, I have died. I can barely move. Getting out of my car after being in it for 4 hours just about killed me a second time. I have now been told that I remind someone of their grandmother and that I move like a duck. I'm wondering what insult will be thrown at me next.
So, here's the thing. SL popped by sort of unexpectedly Saturday and announced that we were going hiking before we ran the planned errands. We went with a small group of people to Bridal Veil Falls and, instead of taking the path, hiked straight up the fall. Of course, they fail to even tell me that there is a path until we're almost all the way back down the fall. And now my legs are sore and my shoulders ache from pulling myself up onto various rocks. Not to mention that my foot has been bugging me quite often lately (I damaged it like... ohmigosh 10 years ago), and I'm not too sure hiking and running around campus shortly thereafter was such a good thing for it. Oh, well. I had fun, anyway. I guess that's all that matters, right?
And I'm still really, really rather confused about him, you know, but I am beginning to have faith that things will turn out well in one way or another. Still, I just have to say this. 12 hours was not enough. This summer is really going to try me.
So, I'm in Cougar Town, right? Right. Rhetorical question. Anyway, our internet is, as usual, being incredibly stupid and only giving us partial connectivity in that the pages I want to load won't load and the pages I don't care about do. This is so utterly irritating.
And, as My K can testify, I'm a little frazzled tonight and definitely manifesting the fact that I've got GAD (general anxiety disorder).
If you were to ever say to me, "You're such a romantic!" I'd have to say that, yes, I am. But you wanna know what the sad part is? I don't believe in it. I don't believe in love. I used to, but not anymore. At least, not that kind of love.
Sorry. Things like this come out when I'm confused and tired.
I seem to be developing a complex. A really, really, possibly big one. This could cause problems. Especially this up and coming weekend. So, if I seem especially... out of it or indecisive or confused period, I'm sorry. I'm complexed, perplexed, reflexed, and quite possibly hexed.
However, should you notice any other abnormal mood changes, I do need to be notified. I'm still not too sure about this Lexapro.
So I stayed at a hotel all by myself last night. It was freakin' awesome! I want to do it again. Right now. I loved it that much and I'm not even exaggerating or lying or being sarcastic or anything like unto that. Not to mention how incredibly scooshie the beds were and how I loved it and how well I slept (despite the fact that I kept waking up, but that's not exactly unusual).
My parents tried to console me in my time of distress at becoming an old maid (it may or may not have worked). Check it out! (it's a quarter at the end and the one is on a penny because I couldn't get her to stand.)
I was going to come up with some awesome analogy between life and training wheels, but my brain hasn't been functioning too well ever since I switched over medications, so you'll have to wait for that one or come up with it by yourself.
In about 14 hours or so I'll be on my way up to SLC where I'll be spending the night in some random yet expensive hotel for FREE because I have training early Monday morning. And so, you will not be seeing me around Blogger the rest of this fine day (probably- I still have to sleep before morning comes) and possibly not until Tuesday. Or later. Who knows really what the week has in store for me?
But here's a Svithe, anyway: Go and listen yourself to some MoTab.
My insurance company finally approved me taking Lexapro. So I took it like.. half an hour ago and I'm feeling pretty dead right now. I am SO TIRED. I should just go to bed.
And if you're wondering again: Do you know how hard it is to watch your best friend accomplish everything you dream of before you? Marriage, small child, being sealed in the Temple, having own photography business....
My last night in Iowa was full of adventure. Actually, the whole day was.
Love Duck's grandmother made us a birthday cake that morning so we went over in the early afternoon and helped decorate it. (I'd show you a picture, but I don't have any of those yet.) We made a beautiful rainbow and then blew out some candles. Of course I made a wish, but the wait to see if it comes true is going to be a mighty long wait. I'm just going to say that. It was great fun. The cake was pretty good, but I decided I'm not such a fan of lemon/strawberry flavored frostings. Just leave it at chocolate, rainbow chip, or vanilla, please.
Love Duck and I then drove down to Des Moines to this way awesome shopping mall where we almost got lost on the way there because her mother had told us to turn at the light, so we did, but it wasn't THE light. And that was exciting trying to get back on the road. But we found it soon after that and arrived safely in A Shopper's Heaven.
Our first stop was Brighton where Love Duck purchased a gift for her mother (due to the holiday that occurred on Sunday). Our next stop was somewhere that I will not mention, but items were purchased there by one or both party members and shall be kept secret for the duration of my life. So don't ask, because I won't tell. This one's going with me to the grave.
And then we had an adventure because Love Duck's stomach was suddenly acting quite odd. It was nice for me to be able to sit down for a few, though, because I was wearing some not-nice walking shoes.
We went to a few other stores, but then, THEN, we found Sephora and I fell in love with make-up all over again. But not the prices. So I didn't buy anything. But I wanted to! And I still do. But it's dang expensive and I don't actually NEED make-up or anything like unto it because I've got plenty and I don't even use most of what I have (as is evidenced by the fact that I've had some of it since 9th grade and beyond).
It was around this time that we decided we were hungry for food, so we walked on over to my favorite place ever, ordered enough food for four, ate enough for two (well, I did), and began to feel very... full. So full that apparently my eyes sort of watered up as I told Love Duck that I needed to go lie down (so she said, I didn't notice any watering going on). We wobbled out of there and went to the car where we rolled down the windows and I leaned the seat back as far as it could possibly go before turning on my stomach and stretching out. And, even though I could hardly breathe, it felt wonderful and I was soon able to move and walk like a person again rather than a skin-covered blob.
The rest of the shopping adventure was short lived because the mall was about to close, but we did go back to Sephora and Love Duck bought me my birthday present (some luscious lip gloss that I had wanted from the moment I first found it).
Because the mall was closing we left, obviously, and made our trek to the Ghetto. You think I'm joking, but I'm totally not. I was sort of afraid for our lives and very afraid that Love Duck's car might be in non-existence the next morning when we would need it to get me to the airport. See, Love Duck's Aunt S lives in the Ghetto and has lived there since before it was actually ghetto; we were staying at her apartment so that we wouldn't have to get up so early the next morning to get me to my plane back to Utah. Anyway, Aunt S met us outside and walked us to her apartment. Kitty Shoby from Mars was then introduced to me (the cat, perhaps not so obviously) and actually let me pet her, which I guess Kitty Shoby isn't really a people cat, but hey. No complaints here.
The next morning Love Duck's car was found safe and sound and we got me to the airport with plenty of time and I had no problem getting on my flights.
There are going to be a lot of volumes to this story, I can tell you that already. And, obviously, don't expect them to go in order.
I arrived in Iowa around 11 pm and was quite tired from flying, especially because there was a small child screaming on the flight from SLC to DSM. It was not cool and kept me from sleeping. Anywho, Love Duck (whom I went to visit, being the only reason I was in Iowa) and her friend Stewi came and got me from the airport. They had made signs for me but I BEAT them there because they had to wait for a train. So I was spared the embarrassment.
Tuesday, then, was my first full day in the Land of Never Ending Corn (except that there isn't any corn right now). Love Duck and I went over to her grandmother's house (across the street) for lunch because Grandma was the only one with Mac and Cheese in her pantry. However, Grandma wasn't home. Why we didn't just get the box and go back to Love Duck's house is beyond me, but whatever. Anyway, I'm filling the pan with water when Stewi calls Nicole and says she needs to come over and talk to her because she's having a hard time of It (Stewi and I have many of the same issues, except hers are a little enlarged due to the fact that she was almost engaged). So Stewi drove over and Love Duck went outside to talk to her, leaving me alone in a strange house to make lunch. And then the stove started smoking. And little flames started coming out of one of the burners. "Oh my gosh! I just burned Love Duck's grandmother's house down!" (I should mention that this stove looks ancient and it's electric, not gas.) So I'm standing there trying to smother the flames with this burner cover thingy, but the burner cover is too big and the flames are still coming and I'm freaking out, but I couldn't leave the house to go get Love Duck because who KNOWS what would happen then and I didn't know where the fire extinguisher was... Finally, though, the flames disappeared, leaving trails of smoke throughout the house. Love Duck came back in and I started telling her what happened and she goes, "Oh, I did that last week. That's why this thing (the burner cover thingy) looks all ugly now."
For about the past... mm... Month, I've been very afraid about certain things that seem to be developing in my life. I've had a lot of doubts. I've had a lot of days when I just break down because I'm so uncertain about Things and I don't know where Things are going or how they will end. And then it came to me one night , these wonderful words of love and wisdom from our Heavenly Father, "Look unto me in every thought; doubt not, fear not."
I would also like to share with you the following: "[W]onder not, but hearken unto the words of the Lord, and ask the Father in the name of Jesus for what things soever ye shall stand in need. Doubt not, but be believing... and come unto the Lord with all your heart..." (and fitting for Mother's Day) "[T]hey had been taught by their mothers, that if they did not doubt, God would deliver them."
I've got a job! Basically, everybody just really wants me. They want me so bad they give me a job while I'm in Iowa (more on that later) and can't even be interviewed. Yup. I am now an employee of Airline HQ here in Santa Horhe for the summer. It should be interesting. And, while it is a good thing, I'm pretty sure I'll be complaining about it for a long time. Because I didn't want a summer job. Because then I feel chained down to one city, which I didn't want. And now I can't go back and forth between here and P-Town at will. But I'll have money in my checking account again and my resume will probably also appreciate this new employment opportunity.
But, yeah. I've got lots of stories about Iowa. You'll just have to wait until later, though, when I'm online again. For now I want to go eat my dinner and play with the cat. We missed each other (the cat and I. I ate plenty of dinners on my trip).
So I realized this morning that I don't have any jeans here in Santa Horhe to take with me if it happens to be cold in Iowa. Not smart. My mother told me to go out to the mall and see if I could find any. I think I found, like, the best bargain ever! $10.61 (tax included) for a pair of jeans. I should have bought two, but I didn't.
And the second best part of it all is that they FIT me and don't fall off! I only had to try on two pairs!
Yup, so I'm leaving town in about six hours. I'm going to freakin' IOWA to spend time with a most marvelous friend. I am so excited! So I'm not really going to be around this week to post or do anything with computers. Just so you know that I haven't died or something.
In the meantime, I'm going out for Frozen Custard (my fav!) in about 2 hours with another very dear friend of mine. She's freakin' awesome. Especially since she's put up with me since the sixth grade. I think she gets even more brownie points for even talking to me in sixth grade. We were such outcasts. It was awesome. I should tell her that (not the outcast part- she already knows that. The part about her being awesome).
And internet going kapoot? Yeah. NOT cool. I had something to tell someone last night and I couldn't. So now it has to wait until I get back in town.
I've discovered that I quickly run out of things to talk about when I'm conversing with someone of the opposite gender. My life, as exciting as it may seem to me, isn't exactly a life full of interesting stories to tell. And as much as I ask the opposing individual questions, I feel like I'm basically talking to myself and carrying the whole conversation on my own, so I get bored and lose interest (which is a bad thing). Yet at the same time, this loss of interest only occurs in the online world, so I guess I'll never try this Internet Dating thing that people talk about. I wouldn't be very good at it.
So, what does one talk about when one is trying to build a friendship? (If you've been keeping yourself up-to-date and reading between the lines a bit, you probably know what I'm talking about here.) As much as I want to trust this individual right now, I don't trust him enough to talk about really important stuff, and I don't know that he'd trust me that much just yet, either (you see what I mean?) There's so much that I'd like to say, you know, but I can't. Not yet.
Long distance relationships of any sort are the pits. Just so you know.
So my mom and I were driving this afternoon, right, and it was sprinkling. But just barely, so there really weren't that many raindrops on the windshield. But there were enough, and they were driving me crazy. Finally, I couldn't take it anymore. I reached over and turned the wipers on. "Sorry, Mom," I said. "It was just too much for me."
We've been working on a puzzle here at home. My sister has come to the conclusion that she can't work on it at the same time as me because I go about it in such an orderly fashion. My mother is trying to understand, but she just can't quite get it. And here she thought a puzzle is something we could all do together.
And then there're the little situations that I really have no control over that are driving me up the wazoo. Like my sister's mess in the bathroom and the fact that the wind keeps blowing dust on my car and making it dirty.
Life is so interesting. Especially when you live it like I do.
The lady who cuts my hair also loves my hair. She styles it (for free!) every time I go in. This time she decided to try curly (which is MUCH better than "the poof" she gave me last time. I was so embarrassed.). Granted, this was a few days ago. So now my hair is back to being plain ol' boring.
I'm not gunna lie to you. It hurt, watching her standing there, laughing like she didn't have a care in the world and knowing that she still hasn't forgiven me and that I can never stand there and laugh with her.
I'm glad she's happy. Really, I am. It's been a long time coming for her. I just wish I could be happy like that, too, without having to depend on medication.
I've fallen in love with Dido. Seriously, deeply in love. (Well, not with her, but with her music.) I need to go to Best Buy to see if they have the other CD that Walmart didn't have. I NEED it.
So, I got in to see my doctor this afternoon. Woo-hoo. Can you sense my enthusiasm? Anyway, she wants me to try Lexapro, now, instead of Celexa. We're hoping this one will kick the headaches AND the depression/anxiety. I've also lost weight since December. Not a lot, but still not good when I'm already so far under-weight. As far as my back issues go, we're to see if they go away now that I am not leading such a stressful life. And I didn't bring up the chest pain. I just wasn't too into the idea of having a needle inserted into my arm today. If it gets worse or starts to stick for more than a few minutes at I time I will go back in.
And the cat was acting odd this morning. So my sister panicked and ran him to the vet. I really think he's just fine, but whatever. I guess it's much better to be safe than sorry (we've had enough death in this family for a few years).
WHY??? My doctor's next available appointment is TWO MONTHS from now. Yeah, that's a long time away. Sure, I can deal with headaches for that long (I mean, really, I've had them almost daily for as long as I can remember), but I'd really like to have SOMETHING done to prevent them or at least lessen their pain. GAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!
The receptionist told me to call at 8:30 in the morning on the day I'd like to get in to see if they can just squeeze me in somewhere. So I guess I'm waking up extra early tomorrow.
Here're some highlights of my latest work. I'm seriously trying to build my portfolio for the deadline next year (since I missed it-again- this year). Please comment, critique, encourage, etc. (because, let's face it, if I miss the deadline again I'll prolly just give up).
I've got one of those headaches that makes your whole body hurt tonight. More specifically my arms just ache! It feels like my muscles are on fire. I think I must have another pinched nerve or something.
Still, though, I'm going to blame the sudden clouds. (This is why I need to see the good doctor. Even though I am terrified of doctors.)
I actually don't know what the Dr. said yet. I haven't gone to see her. But I do need to go this week if possible so that I can get whatever figured out before I head to Iowa. It'd be death to have a migraine there.
Also, I'm trying to decide whether or not I should bring up the chest pains again or not. I'd really rather not and I'd really, really rather they just go away on their own. Not as bad as the first time (think January 2006), but definitely annoying. At least it's not a constant pain and I can breathe still. Mostly. It's probably just allergies or something.
On a side note, I'm going to be an old maid in less than three weeks. I'm thinking I should join a Convent. Too bad I don't really believe in that kind of thing and too bad the Church doesn't have any.
I guess I could go on a mission, but I don't think that would go over so well with my mental health.
Today I become the Old Maid in the deck of cards.
